The old saying goes…..”A picture is worth a thousand words”. What happens when you become speechless? Or go without pictures? What happens if your language is pictures and that gets taken away?
As I write this I’m at a place of understanding. A place of peace. I have let it go. I have forgiven him. I choose to move on and not look back. I’m ready to start living life for the experience 100% and not the presentation afterward.
When I woke up here after our first night in the Malawian village Nkhotakota, I started my new day and new ministry placement with a startling discovery. Some crafty perpetrator entered my tent in the middle of the night and rummaged through my things. First off I didn’t have to much to begin with due to our Zimbabwe preparations nearly 2 months ago and so I just had few clothes, a camera, and sleeping stuff. I woke up to my camera, shoes, and toiletries bag missing.
I will admit that I was furious. I was angry. I was shaken up. I rarely hold grudges and so it wasn’t my normal reaction to be mad at the person who took my things. The fact was that I didn’t even confront him, so it was nothing personal. Only Kelton saw him and didn’t react because he thought it was me; so nothing happened at all. He just took off with the goods and vanished.
On this trip I barely have anything of value at all. I would say my iPod, camera, and my beautiful NorthFace pack round up my valuables. I have insurance on my camera, and the others are minimal, material things. I do well at looking after stuff and get frustrated when I lose things. So this was rare to have almost nothing and yet still lose something and feel violated and even broken. WHY??
I had a sour attitude ALL day and as much as an optimist that I am, it still was a hard thing to deal with. My prayer all day was why do I am such a horrible attatchment that I am choosing so hard to let go of. What was I holding on to? What was the root of this all……
And this is what was revealed to me:
I love to take pictures. Sure I’m no art school student, and I barely put up picture blogs. But in the end I was expected to have a story through my pictures. For the past 5 years I have taken pictures and made videos. My job was outdoor education and one of the things I enjoyed doing the most was documenting the week’s experiences and share them with those involved and try to inspire others to take the leap of faith and try the things they saw themselves. I made that part of my life and gifting to be my identity. I wrote about an identity change that I had had and this seems to be the first blow to that new life I’m trying so desperately to live.
It’s not about what I do that makes me who I am. I have a story within my soul of who I am and what I do because of that identity. Everything that was taken had a part of me with it. I had a bond, the greatest not necessarily being my camera but rather the story that my camera told through its images. Using someone else’s pictures doesn’t capture MY story, and so I ask myself; if it’s God’s camera and His pictures, why am I so torn?
After a long day of inner battles I can stand up and say that I have been angry at God. I have been frustrated at God. As indirectly as it seems, I truly was. And so I finally got that through my head and my heart. It wasn’t even mine to begin with.
So please don’t expect much as far as pictures and the videos I have been working on to be posted. I’m not usually one for words, but I think the Lord has something greater to show me through my weakness, at least weakness in my human mind. If the Lord truly is enough, then why can’t he minister through my words?
