When I look back this year, I see how King David’s words have spoken to my heart. As a man after God’s own heart, he has been that example we all looking towards. I often read Psalm 40 as a reminder that I need patience. Some things in life run in cycles. And we tend to blame “the cycle” on many factors and just keep being frustrated with it. We have a hard time breaking out of old habits and working towards change, even though we so desperately want change. Even though being away from an environment where many cycles kept me, I still found myself in one cycle in particular. And that is my battle with PATIENCE. Very often I get antsy. I get all dreamy and just want to go. Reckless abandon of sorts. And even if it is a clear word from the Lord, I’m ready to go. I don’t think ahead of the preparation that is needed first. I still looked through my “human” eyes in the here and now. It’s not always a bad thing to want to go, but I rush into things and get into trouble and have a hard time understanding why I’m in such predicaments. And that’s the story; I get an idea or word and run towards it with everything I’ve got. I rush the Lord and get caught in the “what’s next” stage when the Lord has much more left in the last thing I rushed through. And on the flip side, If don’t hear from the Lord as clearly a I would like, so I make something happen. I start to “do” and lose sight of how I’m supposed to “be”. I make opportunities in the name of the Lord. Instead I should be listening to His voice and then pursuing that with all my heart when it’s time comes. But I get caught and become frustrated in my wanting to be doing something all the time. I get antsy once again. I cry out! I need help. So often the Lord is right there with me, but because I’m so self absorbed, I miss Him.
As I process through Psalm 40, here’s an insight into my 3rd biggest Lesson of my World Race experience I learned what it means to be patient:
Parts of PSALM 40 that stuck out and I can truly relate to:
I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.
The Lord is with me, He always has been and I know He always will. He hears my cry, he hears my prayer. And he answers. I have always known this, but never really trusted it. Because if I did trust him, I would always be still and wait. But I didn’t. My team’s road trip through Southern Africa taught me about patience. And in a couple of different ways. First of all by the Lord stripping me of all control I possible had. Which wasn’t mush to be honest. My leader, Kimbee was following the Lord’s voice into the unknown and I had to trust it. I had to trust God to speak through Kim. And I had to trust Kim to hear and discern guidance from God. And even though it was a tough battle, I limped through it.
The Lord showed me alot of things through visions, words in my heart, and confirmations through my teammates. As the trip went on, things would start to happen that I had heard, seen, and what was confirmed. It was crazy. And the Lord was faithful to what He showed me every time. Almost every time an answered prophecy wold happen, it would be in a way I didn’t see coming.
So in month 11 now, I have recognized my role as one to wait. One to sit. One to listen. I have been a team leader now for 3 months and I have seen what I needed to work on in regards to leading others. I need to be patient and recognize how nothing is in my control and everything is in the Lord’s hand. I have to trust Him. And most importantly, I have to be patient and and hear His voice so I can be obedient and faithful myself. Now I know he hears my cries, my prayers. I no longer pray prayers of distress in a whirlwind of confusion as my first part of the battle. I now pray for the Lord to prepare the way and guide me through it.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
To get to this point, I had to go through the wilderness. To fully understand it and break the old self I had to be stripped from the old way of doing things. It was unfamiliar territory for me. It was a place of desperation and confusion. I saw a glimpse of what could be, and it was wonderful. But I had to work through the muck and mire to get to that point. The Lord didn’t tell me or show me how to deal with my problems and coping mechanisms. He walked me through them. Side by side, Jesus was with me. After seeing how slimy I was with my impatience, I started to see the rock. The solid foundation I should be standing on in the first place. And that’s what I strive for now. The solid ground, not the sinking sand. And none of this would have been possible without the Lord stripping me for 8 months from all leadership and authority roles around me. He took all of my control of anything away!
He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
I thank God for taking my on this wilderness journey of the soul. I have been wrecked in a way I didn’t think was much fun, but now see the fruit of it. So I thank the Lord for the sacrifice of his one and only Son who rescued me from myself. My won self destruction of pride and impatience as I did many things on my own. He showed me what it means to serve him, not do service in his name. I have a new attitude towards listening and discerning. I love this new song I have on my lips. A song of joy and revival.
Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods.
I feel blessed. I am blessed. I have seen the truth that is my identity in Christ and not my job title or self image. I have started to turn away from my idols of myself and false Gods of money and material value. I trust the Lord, not money. I trust God and not myself. I am nothing and He is everything. If I trust in my own strength, I am weak. But if I trust in the strength of the Lord, then I am strong and can do all things. I can’t look at anyone as my example of the “ideal life” anymore. I look at my day as opportunity to serve the way only I can and go for it. And in that, the responsibility that goes with it. I look to God first and ask his WILL be done. That’s it, plain and simple, WHAT DOES HE WANT?
Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare.
God has done wonders and shown us signs of his majesty and might this year. I have seen Malaria pass through a 8 year old’s body in an hour. I have seen numerous stomach aches go away instantly. I have seen visions come true. I have met people by mere “chance” that have encouraged me. I have seen the battles fought in the spiritual realm. I have seen the impossible happen. The list goes on…
So where does this leave me now? Well, it’s still a battle everyday with myself in sitting, and patiently waiting. Everyday I have to choose to look to the Lord for guidance. I know I can get far on my own. But I also know what happens when I do that. I get tired and irritable. My attitude sucks and the very reason I was pursuing “doing” starts t become a chore and not an act of service. I wonder why things fall apart when my plans fail. If I would trust God in the first place, there wouldn’t be any disapointment. There would be blessing! SO HERE AM I, SEND ME LORD!
