11 months, 3 days… and I am back in the tundra we call Manitoba! As I write this blog it is now 3:15 am and I have slept a mere 10 hours in the last 70 or so. In the physical I am obviously still i transition and in the emotional, spiritual, and relational realms I am still working through it.
Despite the fatigue and the confusion, my heart has been stirring. My being has been awakening. After seeing the chaos, confusion, hope, beauty, and love of the world it’s been hard to put things into words. The perspective of my heart has changed on pretty much everything I have ever known. Landing in Winnipeg was somber. I started to cry before I even departed the plane. My heart was in a different place than it has ever been before. Could I have a glimpse of unconditional love in my heart? I’ve wept over the thought of once again hugging my sister Melissa. It started 10 months ago, and has grown deeper in my understanding of who she is. That beloved child of God that I feel I have let down more than built up throughout our childhood. I waited so desperately for that second chance to truly love her! And my family, how can I serve them as I’ve failed to do so in the past? The laziness in my life and the opinions that I held onto without compromising for my wonderful parents. My pride and selfishness ate away most views I had of them. I loved conditionally. I loved for receiving love. I loved when I received love first. What was I thinking?!
The simplest things in life I have overlooked for to long. I want that second chance! I definitely don’t deserve it, but yet the Lord’s Amazing Grace has opened up that chance. That’s how much he loves me!
During those 26 hours of travel, I have never been so afraid in my life. I asked the Lord to bring me back. To send me back. I had a message in my heart that I needed to share. I only asked for 5 minutes, that’s all I needed. If he took away my voice I was okay with that. If I couldn’t write, I was okay with that. I just wanted to see their faces and feel their embrace one more time. I felt that my life would be complete.
I think I have learned what it means to love. As I write this I am in tears. Tears of joy merely for that one chance I have been given to love one last time. I have never recognized my family as much as I have now. It breaks my heart to think where my life would have gone if I didn’t learn these lessons this year. Only by the grace of God a I still here today. It is only because of his great love that I am able to write this now.
So thank you Melissa, mom and dad for your continued support . It has meant the world (literally) to me. I have no shame of the past. I am moving on. You know I have forgiven. I am able to love deeper than ever before. And so I thank God for his work in our lives. Loves conquers all. The enemy doesn’t understand love. There is no division when we truly love. Please be patient as I continue to learn what love truly is.
AMEN!
