Lately I have been battling within my soul of what it
means to be fully alive. For the past month or so I’ve been feeling numb,
blank, and restless. Part of the reason may be because I’m at such a
place of transition. Or, it could be that I’m needing to deal with something
head-on.
I believe that God is meeting me at a place where I’ve been
broken for some time now. In a search for what it means to be fully alive, I
won’t get anywhere unless I know who I am. In being “stuck” here in what seems
monotonous of days, I’m constantly faced with the reality that I’m not who I
thought I was.
Psalm 139 makes it clear that I was personally,
uniquely planned and created, knit together in my mother’s womb by God himself.
He had someone in mind and that someone had a name. My name is Matthew which
means, “gift of the Lord”.
So often I had this idea that God would sit on His throne
and whack my broadside when I would step out of line. But that’s not the truth
at all. Just like Adam, he longs to bring me back to the original design he
created man to be. He has to take me on a journey to bring me back. I can’t
just change instantly; I have to go through a process.
God called Abram out of Ur
of the Chaldeans to a land he has never seen, to the frontier, and along the
way Abram gets a new name. He becomes Abraham. God also takes Jacob off into Mesopotamia
somewhere, to learn things that he has to learn that he couldn’t have back at
home. When he rides back into town back home, he has a limp and a new name as
well. And thirdly Saul, who was a man of great knowledge of the scriptures, who
had a powerful name and reputation for himself, went on a very miraculous
journey that changed his life forever. God used Saul’s whole life even before
conversion to shape him into the man he was calling into ministry. Saul then
had a name change as well.
There comes a time where you
have to leave all that is familiar and go into the unknown with God. When we
meet Jesus as he has left Joseph’s side, he has a new teacher. His true father.
And it’s from him that Jesus must learn who he is and what he’s really made of.
Our journey involves a series of tests and trials, through
which we discover our real name and find out who we really are. To enter this
journey with God, we must keep asking questions. What are you trying to teach
me here? What issues in my heart are you trying to raise through this? What is
it you want me to see? What are you asking me to let go of?
I have an incredibly restless spirit. I’m longing for the
next time I can explore. I need to have something to do. My thoughts keep going
back to: if I was back home I would be out backpacking or canoeing. I’ve always
felt this way. I was always able to do whatever I wanted pretty much whenever I
wanted to. That’s what makes it so hard. My outlet is gone. Heck, I’ve only
played sports a handful of times in the past 3 ½ months and back home it was
nearly a daily thing.
So what is it? Am I hiding
from something? Am I trying to fulfill desires that are not of the Lord? Maybe
I’m seeking validation in things to feel more a man! Maybe I’m trying to find
peace in things that comfort me. I’m in a time of discipline, I know it!
John Eldredge writes,
“We must be saved from what will really destroy us. We must walk away
from the false self – set it down – give it up willingly. It feels crazy, it
feels immensely vulnerable. We need to accept the invitation to leave all that
we’ve relied on and venture out with God. We can choose to do it ourselves or
we can wait for God to bring it all down…
…If all you do is dominate a meeting because your sense of worth comes
from being in charge, then you need to shut up for awhile (that’s me!). If
you’ve run to sports because you feel best about yourself there, then it’s
probably time to give it a rest and stay home (definitely me too!).
…In other words, you face your fears head on. Drop the fig leaf; come
out from hiding. For how long? Longer than you want to; long enough to raise
the deeper issues.”
What he wrote struck so many chords with me. As a man, I need
to know my mission, my life purpose; I need to know my name! And in order to do
that I have to go through this process. A process of deserts, trials, pressure,
and time. I will admit that it’s hard. I’m starting to realize that this “Race”
is far more than a missions trip with a little bit of experiential learning
thrown in. I know that I can’t serve the Lord unless I know who I am and what
he has planned for me to do. And only He can tell me what these things are. So here I am
now……waiting……..engaging……..listening! I have chosen to drop my fig
leaf. I have chosen to sit here in silence and let God speak instead of keeping
myself occupied in busyness. Pray for
me!!
