God: Where are you Matt?
Matt: I don’t know anymore. I fear I am lost. I am so afraid it hurts.
God: Why so afraid?
Matt: I don’t know, I just keep thinking it’s all messed up. And it’s my fault. I try to be brave, but inside I am not. And my mouth which was once so strong and loud, has fallen strangely frail and hushed.
God: Who convinced you to be afraid?
Matt: I don’t know, I just…How did I get here? I don’t know what to do.
(There’s a pause as something is coming…)
God: Matt, when you live your life, making sure that “nothing gets the best of you”, you one day realize that nothing has ever had the best of you. Nothing, and no one. Only then do you realize, it isn’t what you wanted after all. You can’t live this way. Do you see it?
Matt: painfully clear.
God: …Matthew, I know that you have experienced some real hurt. And not all of your actions have been entirely your fault. Not every shortcoming was your doing. There is validity to your pain. And its caused you real destruction. But its time for those things to heal son. Its time for you. to. stop. running. Hidden inside of your heartache is the mystery of redemption, and restoration. I have hidden healing there. I am going to give you the vision for you life that you desperately seek. I’ve even begun to give you glimpses. The restlessness that you knew, is coming to an end. It was never your reality.
But there is something I want to heal in you first. Matthew, the precious gift of God. You refuse to commit to anything you can’t control. Not since you were a little boy, were you able to do this. Some where in life you began to believe the lie that if you couldn’t control the outcome, it would hurt you. Matty, that is where your life is waiting for you. That is where intimacy is waiting for you. Love only begins when control is lost. But you have struggled to believe that, and its stolen from you. But I am healing you.
The vision is coming. And its big, just like you asked for. I am going to give you your dreams. But it will require you to walk in your healing. You must embrace those things you can not control, and stop asking the “what if.” Because this vision is bigger than a personality, and its bigger than your “strong” mouth. Even though I love that mouth of yours.
Matt: I do see it. So…how do I commit to something I can’t control?
God: Fear convinces you that you need to “do” something, because you are alone. That need to control looks a lot like selfishness because you are not alone. And love can never operate in this dynamic because what business does love have with fear? Love never resembles selfishness, not even a little. “I am all in, if…” was never all in to begin with. Love is only experienced in the moment. There is no future tense. Saying “I will love…” is a fallacy. Because love is now, and eternal. And love is the choice in each moment, to not control or to weigh the options, but to be all in.
Matt: wow. So what do I do?
God: You can add your words, rhythm, and rhymes, but I am the one who makes everything beautiful in its time. So stop worrying about things. Your dream has never been in doubt. It is safe, it always has been. You keep judging the story, but you will not be qualified to judge your story until the end, and this is not the end. Matt I love you. And I am so very proud of you. You make my heart happy, every time you grab that guitar of yours and sing, I sing along with you, and just smile the whole time.
Matt: I love you so much! I don’t know what to say, you have shown me so much…
God: (with a huge smile) You finally gave me “the brush” Matt.
Getting there,
Matt
