My story is long, messy, and pretty scary. For so many years of my life I viewed my story as hundreds of different boxes. Each box holds a little piece of my story and separates it from the other parts. When I am sharing with others I pull out 1 maybe 2 boxes and open them up for everyone to see. Once everyone has seen it I pack the box back up and put it right back with all of the others.
At the beginning of this last month we had a chance to be with our whole entire squad for a few days and hangout, talk about our month, and pour into others while also being poured into. One of the nights we had a vulnerability night and were given the opportunity to bring some light into the dark places of our lives. I shared about my past struggles with depression and suicide. I have shared these things before with a lot of people and felt comfortable doing so. However, this time was different. I got up there and started to cry. I have never cried sharing it before. I have always just shared what I had to and then go back to the way things were before hand.
I was crying because I knew it was the last time. For so many years of my life I would tell my story and what I have gone through and I would use that as my identity. I was Mason the boy who beat depression and didn’t let suicide take him. The problem with that is I was always living in the past. I was too busy looking in the rearview mirror to realize I was sitting at the stop sign.
I shared that night and it was different. I didn’t just share that I was a person who beat depression and suicide. I let go of that part of me. That night God called me out. He didn’t want me to just unpack that box to pack it back up and carry it with me any longer.
That night in Granada, Nicaragua I lost a part of myself. I unpacked my box for good and it was incredibly freeing. My box was now empty and God saw that and filled it with his love and grace immediately.
For so many years I held onto the contents of that box as a part of myself. I thought that I needed to keep that in my life because it was a part of my past that made my future. It was a part of my identity.
God showed me that our past without him is nothing but a memory and a way to fill a box. But when we give him our past he can use it to shape our future and change peoples lives.
