The Camino is not what I expected. Honestly, I didn’t really know what to expect either because I didn’t do much research. That was a huge mistake on my part. I knew that we would be walking a lot and staying in new places every day, but there is so much more to it. The Camino de Santiago is created as a sort of spiritual path for reflection and understanding. If you love walking, traveling, Spanish, and being an extrovert, this trip is definitely for you! In each town that you pass through, you are able to receive a stamp in your “pilgrim passport” from the information office and the church that is there. Walking into these churches is like taking a step back in time. Stone walls, chipped paintings, and huge golden baroque structures surrounding the alters. I have been to multiple churches around the world but this was the first time that I thought about the fact that people took the time to create these beautiful houses for the Lord. They knew that their creations were going to be used to praise and worship God for as long as the structure stood. The intricacies in the stone work and statues throughout might have taken people almost half their lives to create. From the massive steeples that compliment the sky to the little stained glass paintings that fill the windows, each detail was at first a thought in someone’s head. They were literally brought to a plot of empty land and were told to “build.” And these towns would expand around them. It makes me think about how God took the time to create us and knew the story that would unfold around us. He took the time to think about every little thing about us and make us perfect in His eyes. The way that I look at these cathedrals in absolute awe of their beauty is how God sees me every day. Lately, I have been missing this important truth.
I have been trying something new this month. Something that I have tried to do before but this time it came with a new thought process. It’s not hard to not wear make up while on the race, in fact I recommend it for all future racers. Of course there are days where you want to feel pretty and make up is a must but when you are dripping sweat playing with little girls in Sri Lanka, make up just becomes a runny mess. Anyway, while we are on the Camino this month I decided to not bring any make up with me.I don’t often where a lot of make up and I can’t say that I know a lot about it, but I have wanted to put some on every day while on the race. I would always have an excuse to where something. Cover up the dark circles under my eyes because I don’t get very much sleep at night. I am breaking out because I am not drinking enough water so I need to break out the foundation. I know that they are taking pictures of us today at the school so I need to wear mascara so they can see my eyes. All of these things would pop into my head as I got ready in the morning. I realized what was wrong with this reasoning. What I was actually doing was finding the flaws in my face and just covering them up. Basically, I would look for the flaws in my face to cover up. I was looking for what I thought was “wrong” with my face and used make up to temporarily make it invisible. I was never happy with just waking up, washing my face, and walking out the door. I just couldn’t be happy with the way I look. I couldn’t love my light eye lashes, deep set eyes, and drink more water to keep the trouble skin away. It was time to make a change and make sure that I was being honest with myself and loving myself well. So, it has become no make up October for me! While on the Camino, it is not hard to look like a hobo and feel okay about it. We are walking 13 to 17 miles a day so there is no reason why you should look like a super model at the end of the day. None the less, it is easy sometimes to look in the mirror in the morning and point out all the flaws that I see. So, I made it a point every night and every morning to look in the mirror after washing my face and pointing out something beautiful about myself. It doesn’t have to be outward appearance, inward character traits too. I look myself in the eyes and tell myself that I am beautiful. We are truly our own worst critics and I am so hard on myself sometimes I will be the first to admit it.
This past year, I walked through something that I didn’t expect. In prayer, I was reminded of a time that I really struggled with body image living in Korea. What that led to was a year of struggling with anorexia. What I told myself at that time was that I was dieting. In Korea, it was common to skip meals and eat very little throughout the day. I became obsessed with calorie counting and making sure that I stayed under 1,000 calories a day, and when that became too easy I brought it down to 500 calories a day. If I ate even a little bit over that much I would work out excessively to sweat off the extra calories. I was losing weight and people were noticing. People complimenting my weight loss brought so much more power to the lies that I needed to lose more. My parents would notice over Skype calls and I would just say that I was watching what I was eating. It wasn’t a total lie but it was not the truth either. I did not open up to anyone in Korea about what I was going through, to my church family, mentors, and co workers, this problem did not exist. It was my own little secret but it became toxic and consumed my everyday. I could not look in the mirror without finding something wrong with me. I wish I could tell you that I am cured of those anorexic thoughts but to be honest, they are there almost everyday. When I sit down at a meal I still find myself every once and a while counting calories in my head. When I get sick, after about a week I need to make myself start eating three meals because I find myself never really getting my appetite back. When I run low on money, food is the first thing that I skimp out on and my body just gets used to it. It truly is noticing those thoughts as soon as they start and shutting them down. Looking at yourself everyday and telling yourself that you are beautiful. And opening up by telling those around you what you are walking through. It isn’t until you realize your identity as a daughter of Christ that your identity in how you look changes every time you look in the mirror and what outfit you are wearing. Put your faith in something unchanging rather than something that fluctuates everyday. You were not born with make up on and the perfectly fit body! Yet, you know that you were and are both precious and loved. And that is something that I have promised myself to do these last two months on the race. Fall in love with…me.
Before our squad left for the race we were given these necklaces with keys on them. They are called Keys for the Journey and on each key is written one word. These are carefully chosen words for your journey while on the World Race. Some examples would be steward, free, humble, let go, freedom, or joy. I was so excited to open the envelope with my name on it at launch. Someone had taken the time to pray for me and heard this very word spoken over this huge adventure I was about to embark on. I didn’t even know what to expect while on this journey but this word could give me a glimpse. I pulled out the chain to reveal that my key said “Kind.” I felt my head tilt a little bit in curiosity. This didn’t really reveal anything to me about what might take place on the race but I was excited to see how this word would shape my race. Our squad went around asking each other what their keys said in anticipation of finding ones that stood out or ones that totally made sense for that person’s journey. What made it even more puzzling to me was when I showed people what mine said, people responded with,”well, you’re a kind person.” As much as I enjoyed the compliment, I was really stumped as to what this key was supposed to reveal to me. I realized that it wasn’t about being kind to others, it was about being kind to myself. Give myself grace in tough situations and be kind to your body to keep it healthy. It will sometimes be a daily process because of the society we live in but I know that every day that I do it, it will be easier to believe through those harder days that it doesn’t seem true. And sometimes I feel the need to fight for others as they tear down their own bodies. When you are kind to yourself, it makes it easier for that to overflow to the people in your life and you can speak louder than those lies that they tell themselves everyday. To both the men and women in our lives, sometimes we have the words they need to hear or the silence they need to urge them to speak. No one has it all together, we just fake it until it looks like we do. What is something in your life that you use “make up” to cover up? Maybe you use humor to cover up that you are unhappy. Maybe you work out excessively to cover up that you are insecure. It’s time to take a break from that “make up” until you see the beauty that others see in you every day. To quote one of my favorite movies and how I want to try and live out the rest of my life, “One must simply have courage and be kind.”- Cinderella
