Matthew 5:4
I knew immediately what had happened when I read my mom’s message. Rarely does she say to call her or have a tone of urgency in her messages. I had kind of prepared myself for when this day would come but it doesn’t necessarily make it easier. We had just been on a 5 hour plane ride and 2 hour bus ride to our hostel in Sri Lanka. We finally returned to WiFi when I typed in the password in my room for the next 5 days. The new messages started to flood in but it was my moms message that caught my eye. It wasn’t the usual encouragement text that she sends me every once and a while. This was a text telling me to call her as soon as I could. I stepped out onto the porch and took a deep breath to relax. There was a tinge of sadness in my moms voice when she realized it was me. She asked me how I was doing and where I was but I just wanted to hear what was really going on. “I have some sad news Mar, your grandma passed away last night.”
Preparing yourself for sad news doesn’t make the sad news any easier. I had just had a long travel day and I was ready to go to bed. This was not the interruption I was expecting to my day. The excitement of arriving in a new country and getting pumped for debrief the rest of the week with all of my squad just kind of washed away. My heart dropped and it was heavy as I laid in bed not being able to process anything. All I could think about was how exactly I was going to handle this while being on the race. I loved my grandma so much and she had such a spirit of strength that I looked up to. I was sad that I wasn’t home to be with my family and I wasn’t there to celebrate her life with them. But, for all of you future racers that may have to walk through this, I want to encourage you that you do have a family that is walking this adventure with you and they would love to hear about the memories you shared with the one you lost. When I woke up the next morning my initial thought was who do I tell first, my team leader had already recognized that something was wrong. Being able to share with someone took that weight off of how to Iet people know. I can’t exactly be sitting eating toast with someone and change the conversation to,”Oh, yea well my grandma passed away last night so I can’t really stay present, sorry I’m a little distracted.” So, I hid my emotions. I kept the sadness inside all morning through breakfast, morning session, and debrief. I was almost cheering for myself in the fact that I had been pretty happy go lucky all day. The best part was that nobody was asking me how I was doing or if something was wrong. If someone had asked me that, I may have had a break down. I was doing well until my heart exploded at lunch. My team leader decided to open a conversation up to everyone so we could talk about how we were feeling after debrief and she looked at me to go first. She opened the door for me to share how my heart was really doing and I appreciated it because I honestly started to believe I could handle this grief on my own. As soon as I opened my mouth the tears started to come pouring out. You can pretend that you are okay all you want but sometimes the silence can lead to more hurt. With my team sitting around me I shared what was actually going on in my heart and they listened with tears in their eyes. The love that I felt in that moment was that of a family coming together. You are not alone in this grief and even half way around the world you are surrounded by people who will just sit with you as you cry. Event though I am not with my family this week, I am with a family.
This is the second death in my family that I am not in the United States for. This is the second time that my heart wants to be in two places at once. I want to encourage racers that there is no right or wrong way to grieve when you are abroad. As much as you want to be home, sometimes you are called just to pray. The comfort that you have is in the teammates that surround you and a Heavenly Father that knows your heart better than you do. Knowing that I can’t be there for my family hurts a lot. Knowing that my God is bigger and He is there with them instead of me is the most comforting. I don’t have a magical answer on how to handle a death in the family while abroad but, I also don’t know if I am handling it well. I am really walking through this with a lot of trust in God because if it were up to me I would probably stay quiet and pull away from everyone. I am thankful that I know now that as much as I want to pull away, sometimes that is more detrimental to your journey. I am reminded of the truths that I know in my heart through these tough circumstances. Knowing that she is in heaven and having the time of her life. Going through the happy memories together with my grandma and being grateful for her unending support in all of my adventures. She was always a big cheerleader in all of my endeavors and I know that now she can cheer for me from heaven. Knowing that she is being celebrated whether I am in Illinois or not. Sharing her memory with my teammates in Sri Lanka is a celebration that I am sure brings a smile to her face in heaven.
