My squad has been in Swaziland (a little kingdom in South Africa) for the past 5 weeks.
I’m branching out from my typical descriptive blog of each country and I’m including some excerpts from my journal about what’s been happening in Africa.
These snippets are serious, spiritual, vulnerable, humorous, really all over the place, but they’re honest.
I fill pages and pages of drawings and poems and prayers in my journal every day so it isn’t all encompassing, but it’s a taste!
March 7th
We made it. The promised land. It lives up to its name; the drive here-one of the most beautiful I’ve seen . . . beds n’ showers and the gifts just keep coming
Jesus, let ministry be fruitful and something extraordinary . . . I want satisfaction in you alone . . . let me find you here . . . I feel peace because the squad is back together again and it feels like camp, just a good time to be alive ya know?
March 8th
Last night we looked at the stars and we could see the Milky Way. Insane. Absolutely. Going back out tonight.
Vision from the Lord: you will lead this squad, not in front of the huge group but in small instances . . . a lightning bolt strikes me but I’m not injured, I’m fired up . . .
I’m climbing, He’s on belay . . . human strength will fail but I have full trust to climb and know He won’t drop me . . .
March 10th
Sounds I hear right now: Camille and Malia talking, crickets chirping, birds calling, the sound of cars really far away, Swazi voices very faintly . . . there’s a breeze . . . it feels like the middle of no where . . . because it literally is . . . super grateful for this time. . . I don’t want to listen to music because there’s music in everything around me . . . Abba you are here in this place . . . this breeze I have craved, not only the wind but the Spirit inside and around me . . cleansing and refining
We rise with the sun here . . . OKAY . . . a time to be LIVING
“I know Swaziland is hot; it’s sweaty, but God is here, Hallelujah!” – Preacher at Swazi church
March 11th
Acts 2 and 4 . . . Breaking bread >> Jesus + Apostles (Last Supper) > Apostles + new believers . . . universal way of unifying > cooking, eating, sharing life
“The Believers Share” = the Christian lifestyle we’re called to live . . . we live joyfully in community, baptizing, joyfully, FULLY living !
Am I dwelling in the house of the Lord or just visiting?
“We didn’t come to Africa to not send it” – Caleb
March 12th
(We have a worship/creative writing group that meets on Mondays, this is an assignment we had . . . the piece had to use alliteration of the letter “P”, the theme was “interactions with people”, and we had 10 minutes to write it)
our paths meet
peripheral view prevents sight of
the true person
personality provokes me
we pull away
can I pronounce your name apart from
previous knowledge
of your perspective
the objective
to know and be known
stopped
by predicting people’s past
but the present protected by grace alone
my predestined notion pauses
paves a path of
empathy
my peripheral view of you
pried open
March 14th
Paul and Silas are straight savages as they evangelize . . . Paul has a boldness that doesn’t take no for an answer . . it’s a kind of boldness that seems useless to have when you’re playing with children every day, but it’s okay . . . the Lord is here and is working through us whether or not we see it . . .
I need to workout after ministry
March 15th
I keep having dreams where I’m home and the race feels like a dream that didn’t even happen . . . no one even knows I left and it feels so empty . . . it’s the worst feeling in the world but I think it could be the Lord reminding me to be present here and not count down the days . . . also preparing me for home . . . weird
March 16th
List of things for mom to bring to PVT
-flip flops
-towel
-sheet
-disposable cameras
-running shoes
-black nail polish
-cliff bars
Possible vlog idea: Sounds of Swazi (?)
birds chirping, cooking, walking, washing laundry . . .
March 19th
Yesterday was Elli’s birthday, we made cookies, the boys were gone, we had a dance party in the kitchen, just a sweet time. There was a WILD thunderstorm last night and it was pouring rain . . . the lightning made the whole horizon purple. . . I feel a weird detachment from the Lord right now, and I feel like I’ve been journaling a lot but I haven’t been deeply praying. . . I don’t want my prayers to be empty or feel like I’m taking backward steps in intimacy . . . maybe it’s part of a rebuilding process? I’m unsure . . .
some gratitude of the past 11 days
-eating dinner outside
-180 degree view of everything
-making cookie dough
-Abbey hosting a team picnic
-laundry in buckets
-electricity
-being in the middle of nowhere
-the sunset I saw with Lauren at the park
-African church singing
March 23rd
thank you for setting me free of past distraction . . . none of this is about me . . . we surrender our hearts to you . . . to live is YOU . . .
the thief comes to lie, steal, destroy >> opposite is truth, giving, and building . . . the life we are called to
finding myself stuck in moments of seriousness . . . childlike faith and wonder will get me through the unknowns . . . not taking life too seriously. . .
March 24th
Who am I if I remove all my talents and gifts, if I realize my identity solely in Christ . . . “self sufficiency” = a lack of trust . . . If I am trusting God fully I will surrender and live by the Spirit . . .
March 25th
Gratitude of the Awakening
-we don’t have to tent!!
-first sunset
– watched with Lauren on the dock
-there’s a piano here (are you kidding!!)
-walking barefoot in the grass
-Freedom during worship
-time and space for quiet time
-playing the piano till 4 AM with Brooke and Noah
Our parents are coming and there’s a weird feeling in my stomach but I know it’s gonna be good…
David and Jenna took us to get milkshakes! Felt like going out to lunch with my family
March 31st
take me to the river
I’ll dance in the water there
I’ll hardly come up for air
April 1st
It’s already Month 8 . . . everything feels rapidly approaching
We had a fire worship time last night . . . Sang O Come to the Altar and Tremble, aka ones we always sing so I wasn’t expectant, bad move on my part, but for some reason they WENT OFF. . . all this wildness . . Kacie spoke, dropped truth, it was freedom BABY. We started talking about going home and what that looks like, to not be afraid etc., but we have 2 whole months left . . . Jesus show me how to love your people best, how to pour out and when to rest . . .
Areas I’ve grown in
-selflessness
-gentleness & strength in balance
-gratitude & being rooted in it
-perspective shifts > so many
-serious obedience
-rest & sabbath & getting filled
-freedom (!!!!) (baby!)
-slowing down
-knowing myself
-speaking truth
-empathy
-stewarding influence
Areas I want to grow in the next 2 months
-patience > preparing my heart for needing this at home
-balancing maturity and childlike joy
-discipline > working out & eating healthy
-wearing my retainer
-willingness > at ministry
-vision > living out of my mission statement, who I am
-present in the day-to-day
-intimacy > secret place
-read more!!
April 5th
I decided I’ve had enough of not working out so I worked out this morning! Started slow and I will work my way up. I talked to Will and Noah last night and discovered we are all trying to lose 10 pounds and made a game plan. Once I get rid of all the chocolate mom brought me it will be a great deal.
April 6th
To have found and continue to seek because we can never fully know . . . the more I seek the more I find . . there is always more
bucket list
-northern lights
-zion & joshua tree
-redwoods!!
-yosemite
-backpacking/rock climbing discipleship one day
April 7th
you are the wind in my lungs
I will go to the heights
funny how we find it easy to totally surrender our lives to God and simultaneously hold onto those tiny things keeping us from full surrender . . . knowing in mind and heart that we need to drop them . . . sometimes I want to want to desire these good things. . . its the act of actually doing it . . . also wondering if people, once saved, are left hanging. . . how do we bridge the gap and equip them . . . we’re always thirsty for more, made for more
April 9th
We must invite the Cross to do its deadly work within us . . . God must do everything for us. . . our part is to yield and trust. . . the cross is rough, and it is deadly, but it is effective
The word “Open” keeps showing up . . . stopped praying for Heaven to be open and realigned my heart . . . the question is not whether Heaven is open or not, but if I am being open or receptive to Heaven? What does that look like?
April 13th
In Swazi, “pics or it didn’t happen” > the total opposite. The best and most beautiful moments I only have memory of in my mind or my journal, which makes them more sacred. Part of me wishes I had those photos, but I couldn’t do many of them justice
This feels like the beginning of the end . . . we are almost halfway through April, then Durban, then MAY and suddenly it’s over. How did I get this far? Do I feel different. Yes. . . not in the ways I expected though . . . it’s internal and rooted . . . subtle but holds power. . . preparing to be patient and for speaking hard truth . . .
April 15th
Every day do something that won’t compute
a few weeks ago Malia, Lauren, Will, Camille and I rewrote “This is Amazing Grace” and turned it into a gospel/acoustic anthem. . . introduced it to the squad last night around the bonfire . . . lemme say they took it and sprinted with it . . . POWERFUL and His grace is covering us . . . Camille told everyone to hold hands in a circle in the dark at the end for the closing prayer, yes cheesy but also innocent and sacred . . . full circle from training camp; we all said yes to each other again . . . different people man . . .
April 16th
Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature’s peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves.
-John Muir
Thank you for reading!! I come home (agh! all the emotions) in a month and a half so say big prayers for us to finish strong and well.
