Here I am sitting in a coffee shop in Malaysia eating the best salad I’ve had in months(my eyes popped out of my head at the sight of this glorious bowl of lettuce, almonds, dried cranberries and chicken bacon with a light honey mustard dressing). Sitting across from me is one of my teammates…I am trying to avoid the real reason I asked her to have a lunch/coffee date so I talk about random things for a while. Then the inevitable happens. She looks at me: “So, what’s the thing you wanted to chat about?”
Let me back up a minute: ya know that feeling you get when the Holy Spirit is trying to tell you that you need to share something or you need to talk to a certain person? Last night I sat in the room I share with two other people, alone, arguing with God over what He was asking me to do…share a struggle that is so personal I’ve only said it out loud a handful of times because of so much shame associated with it (Thank God that He is so good and destroys walls of shame like a hurricane destroying the strongest building).
“I don’t want to! I don’t need to share this because I’ve already been set free. I’ve already shared this with people. I shouldn’t be struggling with this…this is stupid!” Daddy gently whispered, “Oh, but daughter, please. It’s okay.”
Today, there was a confidence within me that was the Lord and for the first time, I didn’t write down what I wanted to say nor did I type it on my phone. I looked her in the eyes as I shared my struggle with masturbation and pornography and that I was so frustrated and embarrassed that I was struggling with it while on the World Race. As soon as I told her the real reason for our coffee date and what I have been struggling with, she looked at me and said “Me too.”
I am almost finished with Month 7 of the World Race and I have struggles. I am a missionary but I am also human. I am not better than anyone because of what I am doing nor am I less than for struggling. I am not more spiritual because I am on an 11 month long mission trip. I am not perfect nor will I ever be…I will struggle with temptation of sin and yes, sometimes I will fall. I will struggle with thoughts of not being good enough or paying too much attention to my imperfections. I am a broken person with an ugly heart, but God has taken my brokenness and made me whole in Him. He sees the ugliness in my heart yet He loves me just the same…His love for you and me is deeper than the deepest part of the ocean. He uses my brokenness for His glory. He constantly reveals more of my ugly heart and in that ugliness, I learn about Him and His goodness.
He wants you to know and realize the same thing. It is okay to struggle with temptation…the temptation of sin is never going to go away because we live in a fallen world.
People have this misconception that since you are on the World Race, you are automatically “more spiritual” or closer to God, somehow. They think you are “amazing” for what you do…or they have this perfect picture of you that you don’t struggle as much or at all, even. I would actually argue that the devil tries harder to tempt you with your struggles because He sees the things the Lord can do through His children. Many times, the World Race is romanticized by “artsy” Instagram pictures, Facebook albums full of you playing with children and blogs that tell about cool things the Lord has done and the lives that have been touched by you, your team, and your squad. While Instagram pictures, Facebook statuses/photo albums and blogs about the truly amazing things our God is doing, aren’t bad, what people don’t see is that World Racers are people…we are people like everyone else.
The World Race is life…it’s not a vacation from life. The World Race is not some trip around the world to change the world, it is merely a platform God has used to reveal more of Himself and more of my heart to myself. It is a platform He is using in my life, and the lives of many others, for growth.
