For the past week, I’ve been arguing with God over this blog. I didn’t want to write it…I didn’t want to be vulnerable…I didn’t want people to know this about me. Today, I felt Daddy whisper “Please…share. Tell them the story.” So, here you go!
Weird Not Good Enough Weak
Annoying Too Quiet
Not Smart Enough “Problem Child” Insecure
Introvert Not Outgoing Enough
Labels. We all have them. They are made up of what we say about ourselves to ourselves or things others have told us through the years. At some point, that is how we define ourselves…by negative labels stuck onto us. We accept those labels because they have been “placed” on us. We accept them because they play over and over again in our heads like a tape recorder. We accept them because they are “comfortable”.
I thought I had worked through my labels.
I thought I was FREE from them.
I thought all the lies in my head had been silenced.
God has a funny way of bringing things from our past up. He has a funny way of breaking us down that is so gentle yet mind blowing. He does things that freak us out and send us begging Him to stop because it is scary yet amazing.
Daddy has a funny way of teaching you to accept love, encouragement and new (positive) labels…even when you are the most stubborn person ever.
Here is a story about how Daddy literally shook me to get my attention and give me new labels.
July 9.
That night, the session was all about the Holy Spirit. The wonderful speaker said something that struck me in a way that not many other things do:
“If you want to be baptized by the Holy Spirit, you have to come with no agenda.”
Well, ladies and gentlemen, I am not one to go somewhere or do something without a plan. Throughout college, I had 3 calendars…monthly, weekly and daily/hourly. I love sticky notes and lists. I hate not knowing what is next.
[Side note: Up to this point at Training Camp, I was begging Daddy to take away my anxiety and anything that was hindering me from getting the most out of this time and growing closer and more intimate with Him. In my journal the first night I wrote:
“Fill me with your spirit. Make me into who you want me to be. Let these next ten days be the best ten days of my life so far.”
[Y’all. That is a dangerous prayer to pray…don’t ask for something like that and expect God NOT to move or blow your mind.]
Back to that night. During worship, people were going around and praying over others. The last person to pray for me was Vanessa, one of our trainers. I’m still not sure how long she was praying and singing over me but it felt like forever. All of a sudden, my hands started shaking uncontrollably…then my arms…and then my legs (to the point I thought I was going to collapse onto the ground). After, I went and found her and said something along the lines of “I don’t know what sneaky God is doing or what in the world He told you but I was shaking and it was crazy and He needs to quit freaking me out.” Vanessa looked at me and just said “God wants you to know that He sees you. You are precious. You are loved so deeply by Him and He wants you to LET HIM LOVE YOU and HOLD YOU.”
Thank you, for that, God. But, I don’t know what to do with that.
July 12.
After continually hearing Daddy say “Let me love you” in some form or fashion, I realized that I knew God loved me but I didn’t know how to accept the love…from Him and from everyone on my squad who had done nothing but love me and encourage me.
Because of the labels placed on me through the years, I felt unworthy of love and unlovable.
Session that night, Clint talked about listening to God…listening prayer. At one point, he told us to stand up and look around while asking God what He wanted to say. If someone struck you when you were looking around, you were asked to go over to them. A girl from another squad came over and stood next to me: “I guess you’re my person!”
Sometimes, I can be completely oblivious to things and I have to be slapped in the face.
I was slapped in the face by God.
She started praying and I completely lost it and sobbed in a strangers arms. As soon as the words started coming out of her mouth, I KNEW they were from the Lord…
“You have so much JOY in your heart! You are STRONG. You are CONFIDENT. You are a DAUGHTER. You are WORTHY OF LOVE. Other people’s opinions DO NOT matter. Let that confidence that is deep inside of you COME OUT! You HAVE A VOICE. You are NOT ALONE.”
If the story ended there, I would’ve been more than okay with that. But, that’s not how God rolls.
Clint asked if anyone who received prayer or encouragement wanted to share. My hand shot straight up. The whole way up to the stage all I could say was “What the hell am I doing?” I got up there and words started coming out of my mouth that I rarely tell anyone for fear of what they will think or treat me…
“I was bullied relentlessly when I was younger because I was different. I wasn’t like other kids. In 5th grade, I was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome. This week I have struggled with accepting love…from my squad and from God. People are loving me and they don’t even know me. All I have heard from God has been ‘let me love you’ and I didn’t know how to do that because I didn’t feel worthy of being loved…{enter everything prayed over me}”
Glory be completely to God because that was NOT me speaking in front of 300+ people…that was the Holy Spirit!
My whole squad attacked me with one big hug. I cried…again. I felt FREE. Free to be myself…free because after I got up and shared, no one treated me or looked at me any differently. They loved me the same…maybe even more.
That week, I spent a lot of time asking God what He thought of me and He answered. Since being home from training camp, those labels and lies have been whispered in my ear even louder and stronger than ever:
“You aren’t worthy of love.”
“Those people at TC who said they loved you…they were just being nice because you are weird.”
“You annoy everyone they just won’t tell you.”
“No one wants to listen to you…quit being vulnerable. It’s not worth it.”
“You’re not cut out for this…Asperger’s…Introvert…too quiet…”
I have had to be vulnerable and press into my team and allow them to encourage me…I have spent hours in Daddy’s presence just sitting on the front porch listening. He has given me NEW labels:
DAUGHTER LOVED RADIANT FREE
WORTHY OF LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE STRONG BOLD
PRECIOUS UNIQUE BURSTING WITH JOY BEAUTIFUL
OVERCOMER SMART SET APART ACCEPTED
REDEEMED TREASURE IMPORTANT STUNNING
DEFINED BY GOD
If you made it through this whole thing, congratulations and THANK YOU. I want to encourage you to take those negative labels off and let God give you new ones…accept yourself…accept love…accept encouragement…and say Thank You.
