Fundraising Update
I was relieved when I reached $5,000 in April. Goal #1? Check.
I was shocked when I quickly reached $10,000 in June, meaning we raised $5,000 in 2 months. Goal #2? Check.
I was completely blown away yesterday when I learned we surpassed the $13,000, and approaching $14,000. Goal #3? Check.
And now there is one more goal! Goal #4 of the final $18,017. We are well on our way.
Friends, this journey with you has been unreal. When I first began the fundraising process, I was struggling to even make $1,000. The fact that we are almost fully funded is literally divine. Thank you for supporting me through all of it. I simply cannot make it through life without my community. Many of you have been a part of my world since I was a child and 23 years later are still committed to being invested in my life. I cannot wait to share this amazing adventure and the transformation of my heart with you!!!
Current Preparations
So, I’ve been asked many questions like this: How is race preparation going? How are you feeling?
How Is Race Preparation Going?
Race preparations are underway! Yesterday, I decided to sort out the clothes I will be taking. I stepped back and looked at my pile thinking “Oh boy.” I’m actually kind of excited to live a minimalist lifestyle, but there are not a whole lot of options in that corner of clothing. However, that small pile will make for far less clutter in my head, which is kind of nice. Other preparations include making sure I have all of my gear for training camp. I’m still in need of a few items such as quick dry towels, a sleeping bag liner, and a bladder for my backpack. With no job, that’s something I’m really praying about right now. I would also like to say thank you to the people that have offered me odd jobs to get me through this season! God has provided and exceeded my personal financial expectations.
Cholera shots are actually very difficult to come by. My current project is hunting down every pharmacy and clinic in Wichita to see where in the world I can find one. I feel like a secret agent or a detective, so I’m trying to have as much fun with that one as humanly possible. I will receive 4 more shots before I leave and will be buying malaria pills.
How Are You Feeling?
You know, this is a well thought-out question that I would love to answer… but the reality is I cannot describe what I’m feeling.
I have told many people “I’m scared.” because that seems like a safe answer that is expected. For some reason, fear is easier to cling to? The truth is, I don’t know how to describe my feelings. I am not scared of the change or the adventure, I never have been. Liberation and freedom is something I feel more now than I ever have in life. However, there are still unknowns. I have no idea where I am going, who I am going to meet, what kind of realities I will face, who I will become, what I will leave behind, and what I will come home to. That’s a lot of “whos,” “whats,” and “wheres.” Fear does not adequately describe these questions, and curiosity only touches the brink of it.
In the story of my life this isn’t just another chapter, but another volume. I have grown so used to living in Volume I that putting it down seems impossible. The reality of taking my nose out of the book and looking at the space around me seems unreal. I never thought I could move on from that series and face reality, but I know that I must. It’s not comfortable and I don’t know what to expect at all, but I know I cannot keep living in the same vocabulary of the story that Volume I had for me. God wants so much more for me. I have a very free-spirited heart that needs unknowns at times, but often I find myself asking “Is this too good to be true? God, are you sure you want this for me? Is this something that will be ripped away from me, too? Surely, something will happen and you won’t send me, because life has not been anything I expected it to be so far.” Before I go on, I know for a fact this where I am called and I know that this experience will not be ripped away from me, but these questions sometimes creep up. They are still there because Volume I of my life ended with an expectation that I would be stuck in the same problems and feelings. Now that Volume II is being written, I know this is not true, but the things I learned from past experiences produced these questions that I inhabited to think. I have faith that the Race is something God does not want ripped away from me, but it’s so new I can’t even imagine how much my view of the world will change while I’m gone. It has already turned my own world upside down and has made me a completely different person.
I realize I just wrote a paragraph of paradoxes, but I am finding out there are no ways to process the unknowns in life. I spend so much time imagining every scenario that can happen in the future and it drives me bonkers. One day at a time is the only way we are supposed to live. Matthew 6:25-34 emphasizes some important concepts:
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
Here’s another life question: Why is fear so much easier to cling to? We know it is not truth and there is hope in everything. One of my favorite lines is the phrase “Fear is just a lie.” Clinging to fear of the future is a lie, because there are so many beautiful and wholesome blessings happening in front of us right now. If today is the only part of the story we should live in, then tomorrow does not matter. The Lord works everything together for good, even the hard circumstances allowed in life. I was speaking at a church this weekend and felt led to discuss this normal human feeling called fear. Isaiah chapters 41-44 uses the term “Do not be afraid” several times and is always followed by something similar to “because the Lord your God goes before you.” “Do not be afraid” is mentioned 365 times in the Bible (how convenient). Here are some examples from Isaiah:
“So do not fear, for I am with you;do not be dismayed, for I am your God.” Isaiah 41:10 “For I am the Lord your God
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.
Do not be afraid, you worm Jacob,
little Israel, do not fear,
for I myself will help you,” declares the Lord,
your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel.” Isaiah 41:13-14 “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.” Isaiah 43:1 “Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
I will bring your children from the east
and gather you from the west.” Isaiah 43:5 “Do not be afraid, Jacob, my servant,
Jeshurun, whom I have chosen.” Isaiah 44:2 “Do not tremble, do not be afraid.
Did I not proclaim this and foretell it long ago?” Isaiah 44:8
Grab Your Journals, I’m About to Ask Some Tough Questions:
Why would God mention fear so much? Why was half the congregation in tears when I presented these examples? Why do we allow this emotion to hold us back from everything when we know God is trustworthy, never changing? Perhaps trust is not as easy as we wish it could be. Perhaps abandoning fear is something God knew we would struggle with. Maybe fear stops us at the deepest, most sensitive parts of our heart, causing it’s natural beating to cease. Causing our natural breathing to stop. Causing who we naturally are to cease to exist in body and soul. We don’t want to trust in the things unseen. Sometimes, we don’t even want to trust in the tangible because we are afraid of being wrong, getting hurt, or suffering consequences. Why do we run from consequences instead of accepting them to be a part of life? Could this be because we do not know grace? Do we not know Grace Himself because we do not trust in Him enough to give us Grace? Do we not trust that every person on this earth longs for grace, because that would mean they have found acceptance? What if God could give you acceptance? What if Grace really does inhabit the earth and everything that we see is a sign of His incomprehensible grace? What if there is peace that surpasses understanding or knowledge within its own state?
What if we focus so much on fear because preparing for the worst is better than being let down by the best? What if fear really is a lie, grace is waiting at the altar, and the person of Jesus stands with His hands outstretched to you waiting for embrace? If there is truly hope in Christ, then there is a strong call to abandon the fear that weighs on you daily. It is everywhere – in relationships, in decisions, insecurities… I could go on and on. Insecurity is caused by the fear that you are not enough. You would rather wade in the stagnant waters of believing in your nothingness rather than begin the process of discovering grace (you know it’s been there all along). I think we all know who we are at the core, but we begin to believe lies because the tactic of fear seems like the safest, most comfortable tactic there is. Maybe if we go ahead and believe the lies we won’t be let down by the people who treat us like we’re worthless. We won’t be surprised when God allows tough circumstances and we can keep assuming He doesn’t love us as much as He says He does, because less vulnerability is required to believe in a God that punishes us unjustly and believes we are all worthless. How much easier is it to believe in the bad that we see rather than hope in the things unseen? Here’s the deal, my friend. You know who you are. I don’t care what you say. Deep, deep, DEEP down. You know. Otherwise, why would you walk away from that fight in tears saying “I don’t understand why this is happening to me.” Why would you decide to make a life change and leave the situation? Why would you go to college, get a new job, or find a new lover unless deep down you want to discover the part of your heart that feels the weight of worth, grace, and acceptance? The fact that you are searching tells me you know it’s there somewhere. No one searches for treasure unless they are convinced in it’s existence. You hope in a life where you are cherished and loved. You still have an inkling of a belief in grace, or you would not be seeking it.
I have to be honest, friends. Volume I of my book was set in a nasty and hateful environment, full of disappointment. Verbal unjust was not uncommon and I had been beaten down by words and actions that cut the very core of my heart. That just touches the surface of my prior surroundings, but what happened? I left the situation on a search. For the last 7 years, I ran toward a life seeking the knowledge of my self worth, especially during my college years. The fact that I left my old life in the first place tells me that I knew I had dignity left, I just needed to find it. I still had a belief that I was worth fighting for. I still believed that there was grace to be discovered and a value in myself to find.
I searched for it in music. I found nothing.
I searched for it in relationships. I found doubly nothing.
I searched for it in academics, professional titles, honorable positions. I was even more disappointed.
The question is why did I keep searching? Why am I on a search again?
Because I knew there was still something to be found, I knew one day I could accept myself. I could believe in the truth of who I am. I knew there was a fearless place with abundant grace and trust somewhere out there. I knew exactly what I was looking for, but I tried to distract myself in finding it, though the evidence was in Christ all along. It’s easier to cave in to fear and it’s attractive amenities. Accepting fear means you are prepared for the bad and cling to the negative. It’s safer to fall and sin again in the same ways you always have, because you know what consequences to expect. It’s not easy to try something knew (like faith) because the consequences could be worse than ever. Or maybe better than ever? I invite you, my friends. Will you take the leap of faith? The very nature of the word “faith” encompasses the grace, trust, and value you seek. Perfect faith and perfect love casts out fear and you will NEVER be frozen by the lies ever again, but it takes work.
Here’s the reality. You are going to spin around and around with yourself. You are going to fall back into the habit of giving into fear, but I promise the Father will help you reach the faith you seek. You have to begin by letting Him into your fear, your failures, and your fear of failures. You have to begin with a whisper “Will You teach me how to put down this fear and accept Your grace?” “Will You teach me how to love myself and find the grace that I know has been buried by fear?”
Where am I with fear?
I stared my fears in the face last week and watched them crumble. I looked into the eyes of fear, left broken by running, seeing the consequence of emptiness. I saw a desire for a better life after too many years had worn on the pages of this chapter. Volume I left a disappointing turn of events. I looked into the eyes of fear, but I watched them turn from brown to green, from despair to hope. I saw a clarity that I forgot was possible. There, only hope was present. Hope of gaining back what was lost. Hope of forgiveness. Hope to mend our own consequences and who we affected in the process. I tore down a wall of fear and built a softer wall of grace. Volume II is only beginning and is now on Chapter 3.
I leave you with this final piece of advice in beginning your own journey. Yours is not the same as mine, it can’t be. I pray you begin finding the grace for yourself as I continue to discover the Lord’s grace and providence in my own life:
“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.” Philippians 4:8-9
