We have made it to Malaysia! As I sit in our room and ponder life, I come to a striking conclusion of where the Lord is showing up. This month will be a month spent in prayer as our ministry is at a House of Prayer here (much like IHOP in Kansas City). After a hectic, tiring, yet renewing month of March, our ministry host in Malaysia has a goal to help us be refilled as we pass the humps of Month 6 and 7.
As I think of prayer today, I realize how long it has been since my heavenly Papa and I communicated in this way. Though I did not spend as much time with Him last month, He has still shown up, proving to me over and over again that I do not have to earn His love, it was given through Jesus. I am still learning this as I battle this Race with health problems, yet I see Him so clearly.
Three weeks ago I came down with a fever, but continued in ministry anyway. The last three weeks I pushed through ministry, climbed down a mountain, and traveled from South Africa to Malaysia, feeling worse with chest congestion and a terrible cough. I finally went to the doctor the other day and was diagnosed with bronchitis. I was given a breathing treatment and extremely strong antibiotics that give me nausea. I have not slept well. I have also been struggling hard with symptoms from PCOS. It is a fight every day to stay positive and engaged.
Despite all of this, do you know what is amazing? My team never stopped praying for me these last few weeks, and my entire squad gathered in prayer of healing the night of Easter. I broke down in tears, I have had enough. I have been battling the symptoms of PCOS since I was 16 and I have been tired of the constant up and down of my mood. I honestly believe these prayers have kept me going. I believe they kept me from getting pneumonia and from getting worse symptoms from PCOS in the last few weeks. Which ironically brings me to ministry this month, the house of prayer.
The Power of Prayer
I was faced with a striking question through all of this – Do I really believe in the power of prayer? Do I believe God cares about me or wants to change this? Do I believe He would rather me sit in this hardship because He is trying to “teach me a lesson?” What do I believe? I have seen a few healings on the Race. I have seen uneven legs grow to their correct posture, I have seen people’s pain reduced. Sure, I believe the Lord will heal other people, but will He actually heal me?
Through all of this, I have come to realize that my healing may be dependent upon releasing a stress in my life that has plagued me for years. I could be afflicted still because I am harboring the source of stress, bitterness, the blackened part of my spirit… unforgiveness. I strongly dislike this word. People talk about forgiveness and I have no road map on how to achieve this status, I have no idea where the unforgiveness is, I thought time healed everything. I am learning two things in this process:
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Holding it with an open hand
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In my flesh, I cannot do things on my and MUST depend on God
The last 7 years produced a common theme coming from my wonderfully wise mother. She would listen to me, always in taking a neutral point of view. The one thing she always said was “Hold it with an open hand.” I never knew what this meant until two months ago in Swaziland, when the Holy Spirit revealed it to me as I gave this advice to a teammate. I recognized the natural state of my resting hands. Interesting… when my hands are resting, my fingers are curled. It takes effort on my part to straighten my hands and truly hold them openly. Every moment, it takes maximum effort every moment to surrender the things I hold onto. It takes a constant reminder to move forward, it takes a heavy dive into the Word of Truth and prayer in order to remain steadfast. On my own, I cannot do this. Through the Race, I have asked the Lord to remind me in moments of weakness that I must remember truth. He has come through and reminded me, despite my surprise when He does.
Holding things with an open hand also represents an act of dependence on the Lord. I have so many moments where I have sinned in the same ways or I feel I have taken steps backwards in my walk. This week has been one of those weeks. I forget something important in these situations. In my flesh, I am not able. In my flesh, there are promised moments where I will not walk in the way of the Spirit, but where sin and doubt will grip me, even if it is only for a moment. Walking in the way of Spirit means that I must DEPEND on the Spirit, it means I must depend on God. It means I must throw my hands up and say “God, I cannot do this anymore. I need you to help me.” It means I must become humble and ask Him for help. He knows in our human error and flesh, we am not strong enough. That is why all of us need Him. If we believe that we must obtain absolute discipline in our own strength to turn from our sins, we are sadly mistaken. If we believe the utmost discipline and correct theology is going to cause us to go on the right path, we are again sadly mistaken. It is not in our own strength to obtain such discipline or wisdom. The only one who will give us strength and wisdom to turn away from sin and walk down the path of righteousness is the strength that comes from the Lord. Having this kind of strength and discipline means we must ask for it when we mess up, we must ask for it and depend on His providence in our everyday lives. Otherwise, why would we need God? Why do we call Him our strength and shield if we don’t treat Him as such? Why walk in the Spirit and tell God “I’ve got this. I can do this. Let me try?” I have come to a place where I recognize complete and total dependence upon God is necessary for me to be trained in Godly discipline that prepares me for temptation and attack. If I walk in the Spirit, I do not walk by own my own strength, I walk by the strength that the Lord so graciously and willingly gives me.
As I reflect this week on the Easter gift of the death and resurrection, I am confronted by processing why I need Jesus and how significant His sacrifice was. He forgave those who called him demon-possessed and those that tried to chase him off a cliff. He actually died for them because His compassion was so great. I am convicted to pray and ask for more, to ask for compassion and forgiveness. I am humbled to realize I can longer able to do this alone. I am challenged to say “God, I want to see your power. Show me healing, show me your strength, show me prophecies. God, give me a glimpse of what You can do, I want to know more about You. Jesus, teach me your forgiving heart and love for others. Teach me to pour this out to others. Give me compassion and love for my enemies.”
I know healing and forgiveness is in my future, God told me He would heal me of my imbalances and He has covered me in protection as I recover from bronchitis. God has also told me He would give me freedom. I feel I have taken steps backward, but maybe in fact they are steps forward to see with reverence the true power of God. Please pray with me friends as I pray for miracles. I am reminded of the woman that touched the robe of Jesus and was instantly healed (Luke 8:43-48). He also said to the man with leprosy, “Go, your faith has made you well (Luke 17:19).” All it takes is a reaching out, a humility that screams how much we NEED Jesus. He is the first, the last, and the only attempt of our hopes and wellness, over any doctor and any earthly provision. I encourage my readers to ask Him bold questions, write them down. Watch them come to life. I know my questions and requests are heard and will come to life in the perfect timing, and I rejoice that it is not a moment too soon. Every time I take nasty cough medicine, I can rejoice that healing is on its way. Every time my mood swings or pain comes, I can rejoice because I am being taught to persevere, and with perseverance comes deeper joy and strength in Christ. God is molding me to see the positive outlooks on my circumstances. To see that all my questioning in healing and forgiveness is a happy occasion, for He brings it to the forefront in order to chisel it. I can rest assure that freedom is coming in all of this because He puts it prominently on my mind. How wonderful is the joy of patience, for you know He is carefully molding his creations (James 1:2-5 states it best). You know He is at work and far from being done with the final masterpiece of you.
How beautiful that God decided to place me in a prayer ministry this month! Join me in prayers, that I may experience wellness again after years of strife, that I may experience true forgiveness and compassion, and that I may have break through. Remember God is answering all of our prayers. We pray to be the Christians we want to be, we pray healing, and we pray mercy. None of these things come in the way we hope they do, but in a web of intricate precision of God’s master plan and His will. He is answering you and He is answering me, but it is far from the way we expect or want Him to act. Rejoice in this perseverance, our Father is at work.
In knowledge of His Coming,
Mary Beth
