Sorry it's taken me so long to do a second training camp blog! I promise that once I actually leave I will be updating this more frequently. Mainly because I'll actually be doing interesting stuff, not sitting at home watching absurd amounts of Netflix, which you probably don't want to hear about. But if you did, I would tell you to watch The Adventures of Merlin, because it's awesome and I'm obsessed.
So as I said in my last blog post, training camp was crazy difficult. I'm not going to talk about the things that were physically difficult, because I don't want future racers stumbling across this blog and having all of the lovely surprises ruined. If you want to hear some of those crazy stories, you'll just have to ask me in person 🙂
One night we had a great session on the role of the Holy Spirit, which gets into some pretty crazy places. The speaker was talking about all of these spiritual gifts- healing, speaking in tongues, words of knowledge- and explaining the power of each of them. Then we had an opportunity to try it out- to just listen to the Lord and kind of see what happened. The band started playing music so it wasn't awkwardly silent, and crazy stuff started happening. I admit that I was a little skeptical at first, but when stuff began to happen, I started to get kind of excited. I thought, "Ok, Jesus, let's go. I'm ready for my gift. I mean, don't give me anything TOO crazy, like speaking in tongues, but something just crazy enough that it's still impressive." I waited and waited. Nothing. Seriously, Jesus? I was so frustrated, but trying not to be, because the speaker said to be patient- not something with which I'm naturally gifted. The speaker also kept saying that some of us probably weren't ready for our gifts, that it wasn't the right time for us, that we needed to wait on the Lord. Well, that's fine for everyone else, but apparently Jesus didn't understand that I WAS ready. I mean, I'm a really fast learner. Whatever I need to do to get this gift, I would.
But here's the funny things about gifts… You can't actually DO anything to get them, and it's really not about you at all. No matter how fervently (or specifically) I asked, if it wasn't the right time for me to receive, then it wasn't going to happen. This wasn't something I could mentally will to happen. I literally had to sit there and wait. So I waited. Furiously, but I waited. Nothing happened. I didn't miraculously heal anyone; I didn't speak the exact words that someone was dying to hear. But I did receive a huge gift that night, though it wasn't the one I expected or even wanted. It was the reason why I wasn't ready to receive my real gift.
I didn't trust him. Sure, I believed that he could make all of this amazing stuff happen. What I didn't believe is that he could really use ME to achieve that kind of greatness. Really, I may be good at a lot of earthly stuff, but spiritually, I'm as much of a mess as anyone. How could I really be used? That night I learned that this question stemmed from a much deeper issue- I didn't understand WHY God loves me.
These questions of self-worth that had been lurking out of sight were the gifts the Lord had for me that night. Sweet. It's like expecting a car for Christmas, and receiving a half-eaten fish fillet sandwich instead. But that's how the Lord tends to work: even if the thing he's giving feels like the last thing you want, it's always exactly what you need. So I decided I should probably be grateful.
You see, these questions were really quite insulting. I mean think about it, if I really believe that he knit me together in my mother's womb, then how could I also believe that he didn't do a good job? How could I have greatness drawn out of me if I didn't believe he put it there in the first place? How could I believe that I was made by a loving Creator, but also believe that I was unlovable? It's impossible… and yet, it was happening, and I was becoming painfully aware of it. If I was going to receive any kind of spiritual gift, I first had to be honest about my unbelief.
So over the next couple of days, I let Jesus work on my heart. I read his Word and listened to what he said about me. Every chance I got, I read the Truth about my identity and the Lord's great love for me, which CANNOT be earned. And eventually, I did get a small glimpse of my gift. But that's another story, and this blog is way too long already, so you'll have to wait for next time. 😉
