I know I have not blogged in a while because I have been blank on what to talk about. It is as if I got back into the routine of everyday life and I did not think anything would be very exciting to talk about. However, this morning when I went to church and listened to the sermon God pointed out something to me that has been eating away at me for a while, forgiving myself.
At training camp we had a day where we talked about forgiveness. It was emotionally uplifting because I was able to let go of some things that have happened in the past. I was able to forgive others for what had hurt me, but as I've been living day-by-day I feel as if I'm constantly making mistakes for which I have not forgiven myself. By not forgiving myself I've been keeping a grudge with myself, which puts a strain on me growing closer to God.
We as humans are not perfect. Those who know me really well know that I try my hardest to be the best example that I can be, and when I mess up I feel horrible about it. I will apologize to whomever I did wrong, but on the inside it takes me a lot longer to forgive myself. It might not even be a situation that I did something wrong to someone else, but I did something that I know I shouldn't have and I beat myself up about it.
For those of you who are in the same boat as me, or have been through what I'm talking about know that it is not a healthy thing to do to yourself. The first step and most important step to forgiveness it to forgive from the heart. Forgive yourself TRULY from your heart. If you do not do this whatever it is that is attacking you will continue to do it when you least expect it. When you do not truly forgive yourself you will begin to have bitterness towards yourself for any mistakes made in the past.
This is what has been happening to me, and it has really hit me hard for the past few weeks because I have done some things that I'm not proud of. However, it is not a healthy way to live because it puts emotional stress on me when it should not. After I confessed to God what I had done I needed to move on, and learn from my mistakes. Not run away from them or turn to rebellion, because that does not help anything.
To truly forgive is to let go, not hold on. I know that at times it is hard, but everything in life happens for a reason because it molds us into individuals. God loves us for who we are, and He forgives us for every mistake made. I have taken the step to truly forgive myself because I know that God loves me and He does not want me to live in the past. We all need to show ourselves that love that He has for us, or else our past is going to continue to haunt us.
