24 “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26 But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”
|| Matthew 7:24-27
This passage was an essential one for me during my 2nd and 3rd years in college. And recently, I find that the Lord is bringing me back to these theme. He is probing deep into my heart and my thoughts, my faith and my knowledge. The question “Who do you trust? Where does your foundation lie?” has been resounding throughout my every pore over the past few weeks. With every almost-meltdown, every loss of patience, every petulant and childish fit of temper, every barely-suppressed anxiety attack .. God has been relentlessly confronting me with my deplorable lack of faith. He is exposing my sin and my true brokenness to me – the reality of it is inescapable, no matter how much I try to deploy denial or escapism tactics (my life career, for reals).
So is it any wonder that I have been falling with a “great crash” over and over again? Foolishly, so foolishly, I keep building my confidence, my life, on everything that is sand. I rely on myself, on other people, on material resources. All very finite.
And really, I trust no one. I seek to be self-reliant, but I also don’t trust myself, which is probably why I repeatedly wind up in high-stress panic mode. Because I know I can’t do it, but I think that I have to or that I’m the only one who can. What a floozy.
Asking for help, I am just now realizing about myself, is incredibly difficult for me. It’s a source of a ridiculous amount of stress, nerves, fear, anxiety, and discouragement.
Which is probably why I am in the season I am in right now. Because God, in His infinite love and grace, chooses to go deeper into my self-imposed prisons, and break every chain. To do that often, almost always, involves some serious discomfort, even pain. But He wants me to trust Him, with all that I am and all that I have and all that I know & don’t know – not just with my head and my words, but with every fiber of my being. To do that, He is leading me to utter and absolute desperation and helplessness.
Am I saying that that’s where I am? As much as I might honestly kind of feel like it right now, I know I’m not even close. But He has definitely started that journey for me. I know that that’s where I’m headed, and the here & now is preparation for it.
Real talk? I’m not that excited about it. Because.. uhm, yuck? But when I think about the why and the ultimate where of this process, I am jumping-for-joy-excited.
I still have another 2.5 months before I physically leave for the World Race, but God has already been taking me on a trek through uncharted territory and lands in the spiritual realm. Sometimes it feels like too much and I, to be very frank, just want to quit and check into my familiar cloak of apathy and numb comfortability. But each time, my dear, beautiful Papa in heaven, is piercing that question into my soul, letting it reverberate with unflinching and revealing honesty: Who do you trust? Do you trust Me, period? If not Me, who/what are you placing your faith in? Why don’t you trust Me?
The things I’m learning about myself, the depth of my sin and stubbornness, the hardness of heart.. is a little appalling. I’m definitely still in the tangled-mess stage of it all, but I really believe that He is taking into the deepest core of that gloopy mess, to begin unraveling and untangling the lies and misbeliefs and idols from the inside out. Until I can answer in total confidence and unity with self, You, Lord Jesus. I trust You.
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