“But I think the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.”
This month can be summed up in these two words I thought of from the first day of ministry: beautiful challenge. And let’s just say, the Lord definitely delivered on both fronts. It’s been incredibly, almost defeatingly, challenging. But it’s also been gloriously, astoundingly beautiful. Because it involved the heart – mine and Jesus’.
To give a little more clarity, this month’s ministry for my team was volunteering at Camp Hope, a daycare slash school of sorts for children and adults with special needs, of a wide range. (We also taught English every afternoon at a church for two weeks). One this side of things, nearing the end of our time here with our last day at Camp Hope being tomorrow, I can definitively say that it has been an incredible blessing and joy. And I have loved my time there. At the start of the month, and many moments in between, however, that wasn’t necessarily the case.
Don’t get me wrong, I knew from the get-go that it would be beautiful. A challenge, yes, but also beautiful. And that it would be a month of (hopefully) much growth and refinement in the Lord. But that doesn’t mean that my flesh wasn’t overwhelmed and nervous and not enjoying it. I will be the first to admit that I fall short of the glory of God – on every possible level at any given moment. One of the areas this is made painfully evident is in my ability (or lack thereof) to love others. My love is selfish and self-serving and limited and conditional and broken, sometimes more blatantly so than others. I seek out what is safe and comfortable and cling to those things and places and people. As terrible as this is to say, interacting with individuals with significant disabilities has never been easy for me. Partly out of simple ignorance, just not knowing what to do or how to act, and partly out of the depravity of my flesh. And while it’s something I’ve been wanting to grow in and broken out of for some time now, it was never enough for me to actually go out of my way to strive in. I just prayed abstract and theoretical prayers to the Lord. Ha.
He answered! I knew what He was doing as soon as my team leader told us our ministry for the month, and I was thankful. Thankful that God loves me enough to push me into discomfort for growth, and loves His other children enough to teach me how to love like He does, for their sake. And His timing is so perfect. Because He spent the prior 3 months growing me in my understanding of His love for me and who I am in Him, and building my trust in Him on a deeper and more intimate level than ever before. It is because of that foundation that I was able to walk out into this month with confidence, trusting in the Lord. And that is what gave me strength in the many moments when I felt lacking, so lacking, in my ability to love outside of myself and what’s comfortable.
Those who know me know that I like being clean, and I don’t like getting dirty. If I get dirty, it has to be in certain contexts and always with a ready and available means of getting clean. I don’t like bodily fluids and substances, especially if they belong to other people. It was honestly a little difficult sometimes even with my precious preschoolers, who are cute little beings. And there was a lot of that, and very little connecting, with the kids/adults in my room. Outside of the teachers and volunteers, none of the individuals in my room have any verbal communication and more than half of them have very limited physical mobility. As reserved and guarded as I am with people, conversation is how I connect with people and it’s vital to my spirit. So on so many levels, I felt absolutely drained and stretched, and I cannot count the number of times I literally cried out to the Lord to help me. Because my distaste for the physically yucky seemed like such an insurmountable obstacle in my effort to love with Christ’s love and not my own. I felt helpless against myself and my fallen nature. And I had moments of despairing of any growth in me and my heart.
I had to get to that point of surrendering, absolutely, to Jesus. Acknowledging fully and honestly that yes, I cannot. I can’t! Only He can. What I can do is be faithful and choose joy and allow Him to love through me. My heart is more than two sizes too small to hold Christ’s love and presence. It’s when I let go of myself and my need to perform and prove something that He can come in and bust through all of my limits and weakness and brokenness and give me a new heart. His heart.
I’m still not perfect, and I still fall short. But I know that He has done something new and something good in me this month. Because I love my “kids” at Camp Hope. They bring me joy, they humble me, they teach me, and ultimately, they point me to our perfect Creator. I realized this especially this week, that somewhere along the way, God intervened and breathed into me. That what I thought was a pretty-much-impossible-or-at-the-very-least-super-unlikely hope/ambition was my reality. I see them with His eyes, not mine. I see His beauty and love in them and through them. And while I still don’t love the smells or mess, I love who they are beyond those things.
All of this, is only possible because of who Jesus is and what He’s already done. Because of how He loves me beyond my mess and unpleasantness. Encountering such grace and such beauty, how can transformation not be soon following?
I want more. I want more, I want more, I want more. I want to run the rest of this Race as well as the race of my life loving others more, with Jesus’ love.
“And what happened then…? Well…in Who-ville they say
That the Grinch’s small heart grew three sizes that day!
And then the true meaning of Christmas came through,
And the Grinch found the strength of ten Grinches… plus two.”
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Videos of Bolivia (Month 2) and Peru (Month 3), courtesy of my team leader and teammate Courtney!
BOLIVIA: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xn6zT2zKgw&feature=youtu.be
PERU: http://vimeo.com/113165621
Enjoy!
Also, thank you to everyone who has been so faithfully continuing to support me, through your prayers and giving!! It all matters and makes such a difference, so I encourage you to keep being led by Lord to give – whether for the first time or for a repeated time. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Happy New Year!! <3
