First, thank you to those who prayed & encouraged me with words of Truth! Praise the Lord for the Body, truly.
And, as the funding bar at the top of my blog indicates, the deadline has been met!
It was a rough couple of days, where I was bogged down with doubt and self-criticism and condemnation. But through several sisters who prayed for me and boosted my spirit with Truth, a perfectly timed & delivered Word of God through the pastor at Harvest Bible Miami, quiet and honest time with Jesus, and some words from my earthly papa, the Lord led my heart back to His place of rest and comfort and light.
I was honestly at that point where I was beginning to believe that the better option for me would be to delay my departure to January. Especially after I’d concluded that that was pretty much my only option, other than quitting the World Race, since Monday came and my account was still below the necessary amount. It was sneaky, because I told myself I was just simply “at peace” about whichever direction God chose to lead my path. But my true heart was revealed after the conversation with my dad.
He basically refused to accept resignation or defeat, and asserted his belief that we are to leave in September. That was made clear from the beginning and throughout this whole process and journey, and though setbacks and obstacles spring up, more often than not, they don’t necessarily symbolize a stop sign of sorts. And his response was to give early the support he had always planned on giving, which was the remainder of whatever we had left to raise at the end.
To be entirely truthful, my heart and my head were a little resistant to this at first. And I sat there thinking, “What is wrong with me? Why am I against this?”
1. I was afraid that my dad was ignoring God’s signs and making his own way for us. This reveals my wrong way of viewing and understanding God. Because I also felt that
2. This was too “easy”. It either had to be a “BOOM, IN-YOUR-FACE” miracle, or a logical-I-work-to-make-up-for-my-lack solution. It felt embarrassing and oh-wow-light-bulb-moment — it hurt my pride, that my “daddy” had to come in and save the day. And
3. Somewhere along the way, I had decided that it would actually be “easier” to delay departure to January, because then I’d have more time to get things in order. Aka, I’d be back “in control”. Shakin’ my head.
4. I don’t really think I have a right to ask God for anything, so I don’t challenge anything. Not that God is to be challenged, but I don’t seek to “change His mind” like Moses did. There’s a difference between having true God-given peace about something, versus a defeatist attitude, masked under a pious acceptance of God’s sovereignty and will.
There’s obviously a lot of junk in my head that I need to work through. Or rather, give over to God for Him to work me through.
In the midst of this self-analysis, the Spirit impressed this thought on my heart: Your inability to freely and graciously receive the grace and provision from your earthly father reflects your inability to freely and graciously receive the grace and provision from your heavenly Father.
God has been revealing to me the extent to which I am bound by certain lies, and how they constrict and restrict me, chaining me and enslaving me to wrong ways of thinking, shame, judgment, anger, despair, asceticism, legalism. I reject the lie that I am unworthy of my Father’s love and provision. And I accept the Truth that in His great love for me, He meets my every need. He disciplines me and prunes me, and He teaches me to send me and use me. Because He loves.
So I’m so thankful, to my dad who’s taught me once again of a father’s love and support and provision, and pointed me to the ultimate Father from whom all good gifts come. Thank you!
And thank you to those who gave – in prayer and in funds, what a blessing & gift you are!!
Now, scrambling to get ready to leave for training camp in Georgia in 2 days!!! :X
