This journey is hard
I have wanted to throw in the towel at least 4 days out of the week
I’m worn out and feel completely drained
And once again my team leader told us we are doing evangelism
At our debrief in Montenegro I broke down and cried
I couldn’t do it anymore
I was angry with God for making me go to Africa where I contracted malaria twice. I didn’t care to tell people about Jesus because I didn’t care about their lives
I felt completely distant from God and wasn’t sure how to get back the fire I once had with Lord
I was broken
The cool thing about being broken though is that’s when God can move the most. I had true and raw conversations with Him. I wasn’t trying to say the right words or make it this fluffy amazing prayer. I mostly yelled and asked why or how can I fall in love with him again
This is what I got from our conversations
God isn’t afraid of our emotion. He can handle us being mad and frustrated. We just have to be willing to go to Him during those times. I wasn’t going to Him. I didn’t want to hear what He had to say, but I’m glad that my squad coach, Ruth encouraged me too. As I said above they weren’t the sweetest conversations around
He also knows exactly what we need and he takes care of his children. Our evangelism in Montenegro wasn’t the normal door-to-door evangelism that I was used to. It was go out doing what I wanted that day and making friends with the people in the town such as the barista at the coffee shop or the retailer at the clothing store. Our host family also knew that we needed rest, so they didn’t put pressure on us to go out and make friends everyday.
Finally He told me that I needed to be in the word of God daily. Whether it was one verse or a thousand verses. I wasn’t going to be able to keep going if I wasn’t filling up on Him. His word fills me up and ultimately allows me to be able to pour out and serve others.
Am I on fire for the Lord like I was before?
No, but I’m slowly getting back to that one day at a time. Just like Moses God is molding me into the women He created me to be
