Lots of people (mostly men) have asked, after the great chop… “So why did you cut your hair?”
There are lots of reasons that go way back.
I dyed my hair red for over 10 years. It started in middle school, you know that time when everyone wants to be popular. (Does that time stop?) Red hair was different, which I already was, but the good kind of different. Red hair made me feel exotic, special and unique…most of the time. It made me feel sexy, distinctly more desirable, a rare find in beauty.
I thought it better matched my personality than my natural mousy brown. My God-given color was dull, lack-luster, lacking in life. I felt like your average, next door boring white girl. Red hair gave me an excuse to be fiery, sassy, even a hot-head. And my favorite part, often got me extra attention. I received frequent compliments and comments. Red hair made my blue eyes pop and made me stand out from the crowd. I always hated how fair skinned I am so it gave me an excuse for that too. Depending on the shade people often thought it was natural, which thrilled my insecure heart all the more.
My red hair made me feel better about myself, like I was a somebody. Like there was something about me that no one else had. Not to mention it was fun! I loved it all the more year after year.
I realize now that over those years I began to tie more and more of my perception of physical beauty into “hair”. To be truly found attractive by and/or “catch” a man you gotta lure him in with your mane like a net. Long luscious locks, that’s what gets um, that’s what they like. I would walk into a room and, as we all do, analyze the people in it. But I did it to figure out the cutest girl. Almost in a “mirror, mirror on the wall…who is the fairest of them all?” sort of way. And for girls, that always fell under, who has the “best hair”. Long, as thick as possible, and a “pretty” color folks, that’s what we were looking for. If it was all natural, even better. And then I would begin to compare my hair to theirs. Or let’s be honest, compare my-self to them. We all want what we don’t have right?
I became obsessed. I followed different hair-oriented social media profiles. I even had a folder of “hair-goals” photos in my phone.
You see my hair is already naturally fine, thin one might say. Just another thing I hated about it. Not only did I spend copious amounts of money at the hairdresser, I bought expensive shampoos and products to thicken it. And the longer I dyed and fried it, the finer it became. Thusly I lusted after thick, ideal locks all the more. And the thought of catching a man with them. The type of hair let’s face it, I will probably never have because of things like my genetics and ethnicity. So I changed as much as I could to reach my goal:
(Sample Goals ^)
At training camp my hair was the longest it had been since I was 11. I took me forever to get it there because of how damaged it had become.
After camp was over I went home and chopped it to a bob. I’ve written a previous blog about the change in me that spurred that on.
I had wanted to go for the pixie “Peter Pan-esc” cut and chickened out. I always thought girls with that style to be brave innovators, confident, ones who strike out against society’s feminine standards. And of course mysterious let alone, way cool. I wanted to see what I would look like with one!
Thoughts that held me back:
– “What if it looks horrible?! What if I hate it?! What will I have done?”
– “If I hate it, it will take for-ev-er to grow back and I could be shunned for it’s hideousness in the process.”
– “If it’s not cute, guys definitely won’t think I am. Maybe they’ll even be repelled? AHH!”
So I went the safer route. But that’s not what The World Race is about. It’s about letting go and letting God. If He was going to reveal more of myself to me, who I am and who I am in Him, like I so desperately wanted Him to, I needed to lay that foundation. A platform of sacrifice that I would stand on, making it all about Him, for Him. My life, my future, my identity.
Thoughts before I took the plunge:
– “If I hate it I have 8 months to grow it back before I go home and have to face my circle”
– “I don’t need to look beautiful, I’m a missionary! It’s not about that anymore.”
– “I need to focus on my relationship with Jesus, not a romantic relationship or men or any of that. Maybe this will help!”
I recognized the weight that society places on physical beauty and the expectations that come along-with and I wanted to cut that out of my life. I knew I would be cutting out all the color. Getting back to my roots, literally. This would be what God gave me. And my short coif was the fresh start. For God teaching me about the real me.
And guess what? Most of the men I’ve come across don’t like it. But that’s ok. This was for me and the Lord. This is me, no frills. I want someone who looks for how much I love Jesus, Christ in me first.
That’s what I’m looking for
Psalm 139
1 Peter 3:3-4
Proverbs 31
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vu4mASf9b9w
