I wake up every morning and instantly thank God for every blessing He has given me. Before I even jump out of bed I have genuinely thanked Him for simply being the just, loving, and merciful Creator that He is. Each person I encounter during the day I see as a child of His, and I instantly love them just like God does. I walk in humility, love, gentleness, kindness, mercy, peace, and thankfulness each moment of each day. I boldly tell everyone I speak with about what all the Lord has done in my life and what all He would like to do in theirs. I cling joyfully to the calling He has given me to the World Race, never doubting Him for a second.
That’s all a big ol’ lie.
Most days I crawl roll out of bed and the only things I am instantly thinking of are: where is my phone and how I am thirsty. Some days I forget altogether to thank God for simply being who is He. When I am out and about and encounter people who cause friction in my life (ex: people who cut me off in traffic, the cashier who seems to take forever to ring up my two simple items, the family member who always has something negative to say about everything, etc.), I don’t instantly jump to loving them and seeing them as a child of God. Many times I see them as another hiccup in efficiency or a simple annoyance, and I want to get away from them as fast as possible. A lot of days I let my pride rear its ugly head. Some days concepts of gentleness and kindness might as well be foreign to me. When I know I am right about something and someone refuses to admit it, sometimes the last thing I want to do is be merciful or peaceful. Oh, and when things seem to go “wrong” I rarely want to sit and be thankful about them, but rather I want to whine or get angry about it.
The big thing lately?
For the past couple weeks I haven’t seemed to be joyfully clinging to the calling for the World Race at all. For the past couple of weeks it has been all I can do to simply paste on a polite smile and be informative to any question posed at me about what I am doing. While most of my friends are finishing up a semester of some kind of professional school (medical school, law school, dental school) or spending their weeks at their dream job, I am on the hunt for a temporary job while trying to raise money for my support account and simultaneously not feel like a complete child being at my grandparents’ place.
It’s probably my own little form of purgatory. I’ve always been independent and have taken great pride in knowing that I’ve taken care of myself. Then there’s now — the first time I am a “real” adult instead of a child or a student, and here I am the opposite of any definition of successful by society. Dream job? Nope. Stable career? Nope. Happily married with kids? Nope. Graduate or professional school? Nope. Solid 5-year plan? Nope.
I don’t mean to whine, but to all future Racers or people who think missional life is easy: it’s not. It’s hard. Preparing for the Race is hard. Trying to raise money is hard. Trying to simply keep up with present life while always thinking about future life is hard. Swallowing pride and being humble is hard. Trying to live like a model “perfect” Christian is hard — and impossible.
And then there is my Squad…
My Squad is full of many strong, unique personalities. Not a single one of us is alike, and I fully believe that is the way God designed it to be. We communicate daily via a private group on Facebook. At first I thought it was super cool that we could all communicate while we are spread out across the US and even the globe (we have some from Belize, Indonesia, Puerto Rico, etc.). Plus, being such an extrovert I was like a kid in a candy store getting to meet all these new people!
Then, after we all got to know each other we started figuring out where we agree and where we clash on things. I’ve come to acknowledge and accept I may be one of the most conservative-minded individuals on the whole Squad (that’s out of around 70 people). I’m more pragmatic while most of the Squad seems more idealistic. (I’m not just making judgments; many of us took these personality quizzes and the results said as much.) Each of them are beautiful souls hand-crafted by Abba Father to be a part of my heavenly family. I love that fact. I just simply haven’t been able to really connect with most of them (aside from a handful of Squadmates who could just as well be long-lost childhood friends).
To add to everything, I spoke with a Racer (not on my Squad) and was told some things about training camp, organizational rules, and logistics that I’m not necessarily thrilled about. In fact, it’s all I can do not to sit around and repeatedly ask God, “Did You actually mean to ask ME to go on the World Race? Are you sure about this, God?” It’s been a really mentally exhausting couple of weeks. I’ve been trying to decide if this is simply the devil trying to wreck my passion and steal away my joy. But while I’m being honest I’ll let you know something: I can’t tell.
Another honest admission: I am terrified that I will not meet my funding requirements. I keep seeing my Squadmates who get these awesome $1000+ donations, and every time it reminds of the fact that I’m nowhere near my end goal, much less our first funding requirement. Then, I feel bad for not being overcome with joy for my Squadmates with their large donations due to being plagued by envy, worry, and discouragement. At the same time, when I start to worry about my account’s number or envy a Squadmate’s newest donation, I feel like I’m not being grateful enough for those who have donated to my account so far. (I promise you, I am VERY grateful for all who have thus far chosen to invest in my World Race calling and donate to my support account. Very grateful, indeed.)
Lastly, I keep doubting myself. Public speaking? Not my forte. Wilderness skills? Basically have zero. Foreign language skills? If limited broken Spanish counts, possibly a little. Packing skills? Worse than one would think. Memorized the Bible? Not even close.
Why am I divulging all of this?
I want you to know what really goes on in the mind of a Racer pre-launch. A lot of people have this idea that I’m gearing up for this totally awesome trip, consumed with all the “cool things I’ll see” and “all of those neat places” we will travel to. Umm, no. I am not going to vacation around the world. I am not going on some expedition to take a lot of pictures for Instagram. I am not thinking of what all sights I will see.
I am thinking of the people I will encounter. “Will they want to listen to what I have to say? Will they let me become their friend and ministry partner? How many people will end up capturing a piece of my heart from places around the world that I probably couldn’t even place on a map without some help? Will I be able to show them the love of Jesus? Will God use me to introduce them to Him? How many orphaned children will I be able to show that somebody does love and care about them? How many children will break my heart because I won’t want to say goodbye? How many widows will capture my heart with their tales of life? How many young men and women will break my heart with their honesty about the reality of poverty, sickness, and corruption? How many can I be of help to? Will I always feel like x-amount of days with each of them is just not enough? Will they accept me as a child of God?”
I am thinking of my support account, and what happens “if” I don’t fill it. “Are there enough people that love both me and God that will join me in this ministry and donate money to my account? Will people truly pray and search their hearts for how God wants them to assist in my calling? Am I doing enough? What fundraisers should I do? Will even be successful? Do people even really want another fundraising t-shirt? If I don’t meet my fundraising goal, do I defer to a later Route or is that God saying to not go? What about all the people who have contributed — what will they think if I fail at raising the funds? Why aren’t more people donating like they are to my Squadmates; is it me?”
I am thinking about my family. “Will my nephew still love me just as much after I am gone for 11 months as he does now? Will he have a new favorite aunt? Will he remember that I missed his first day of Kindergarten and his first soccer game? What all am I going to miss out on? I’ve never missed a family Christmas — how will that feel? Why aren’t my parents more supportive? My grandparents are the biggest Christian influence on my family, and yet they don’t even seem to approve of me going on the World Race — why? Is it bad that I care so much about what my family thinks? Will they really even miss me when I’m gone? Will I feel happy or sad after Skyping with them while on the Race? Will they ever really understand where my heart is at in Jesus and in His people, especially “the least of us”?”
I am thinking about my own capabilities and lack thereof. “Should I be doing some kind of intensive fitness training for this? How many hours a day will I really be carrying my pack? Am I going to be able to be pleasant even after taking cold showers day after day? If I get sick on the Race, will I be able to get well quick enough? Can I honestly fit everything I will need for a year in a pack and a backpack? Will I end up forgetting a lot of things? Will I be able to get along with my team as much as I want to? Will I be able to allow myself to trust my Squad, or will I treat them with friendly caution like I do with most other people? Can I honestly go 11 months without any real privacy or quiet alone time? Will I be able to be patient enough? What if I can’t connect with the people I am supposed to be helping or ministering to/with? Am I allowed to have bad days? Is it okay if I don’t get super emotional when other people do? What happens when someone asks me a Biblical question that I don’t know the answer to? Will I forget how to live ‘normal’ American life by the time the Race ends? Is it okay that I absolutely abhor the question of ‘what will you do after you get back’ already?”
Then there are the miscellaneous thoughts that swirl around in my head. “What if I can’t stomach any of the food in the other countries? Can I bring my own peanut butter? Will I stay in touch with those on my Squad after the Race? What happens if someone steals my pack with all of my stuff in it? How many of my friends’ weddings will I have to miss? Will it offend my family if I accidentally forget to send birthday wishes or holiday greetings while out on the field? Do I introduce myself as a missionary to the people, or simply as a traveling child of God? What if my camera breaks while I’m overseas? Will I be the only person who is dancing-challenged? Will it be hard to remember to only drink the bottled water? Should I take malaria medicine? Since the risk of infection is so small, should I even bother with spending the money on the expensive Japanese Encephalitis vaccination? If I get the pack that I want but everyone says is too big, will I end up regretting it or loving it? Do other Racers have these questions, too?”
So basically…this beautiful life is, in all actuality, very messy, quite hard, and undoubtedly a series of questions being answered. The truth is a bit ugly, to be honest. However, I still have the confidence that THIS is where God wants me. I’m just having a hard time seeing the beauty in the struggle. That being said, I am asking for your prayers. (Of course, I would love your financial support as well, but that isn’t what I need the most at this exact moment so I’ll save begging you for it for a different post.) It’s one of those “my head and my heart are having a fight” things where all I need to be concerned with is actually my soul.
So please pray that God: removes all distractions, squashes Satan’s attacks on my confidence and joy in my calling, gives me a peace with everything, shows me the answers to many of my questions, unifies my Squad and myself, and strengthens my faith daily.
Thank-you so much for your prayers and for your time you spent reading my blog! You are appreciated. You are lovely. And, you are something special. Father God and I love you dearly.
