I’m not going to sugarcoat this, so be prepared.
I want to go home. To America.
It’s not that I just extremely miss having an actual closet of clothes or having ample drinking water available at all times. It’s not even the fact that healthy meals are few and far between, my feet always seem to be dirty, and that 9 times out of 10 I won’t be able to understand what someone says to me the first time they speak.
No, this desire for home is for the people. MY people.
I want to sit in the living room with my sisters and make Roo laugh. I want to go see my Dad and Stepmom and play the marble game. I want to watch the 10pm news with my grandparents at night. I want to get one of those special hugs that only come from my Mom. I want to walk through the grocery store with my hand securely being held in Marco’s. All of these things….they make up home for me.
Yesterday I looked up how much a plane ticket from Thailand to Dallas, TX would be. And I started calculating how I could pay for it. And I could.
But, I have been asking God for a few weeks now if I could go home. The Race is hard and uneasy and I disagree with about 100 things daily. I’ve forgotten how it feels to be “comfortable” — physically and emotionally. I haven’t felt like myself since we left America. I’ve lost most of the laughter that you in the States know me by, the storytelling, and the smiles. I’m one of the quietest in my team, which probably makes most of your jaws drop.
God said no.
He said to stay, at least for now. He has something for me in Thailand. He has something for me on this Race.
I didn’t come on the Race to be changed. I wasn’t looking for some program to change me. I didn’t sign up for the Race for me. I signed up for the Race to join God in changing the world by helping turn people towards Him. I said “yes” to the Race because I wanted to let God use me in a sacrificial, international way that is different than any way He has used me before. I came on the Race because God said so — not because it is a desire, but a calling.
I was thinking a lot about Jesus’ prayer in the garden before the betrayal. He said to God, “Father, if possible take this away from me — but if that is not Your will, have Your way.” Jesus knew taking the cross would be hard and painful. He knew it would be. And He, too, asked the Father if He could escape that pain and the hard parts laying ahead. He probably just wanted to go home. But as we know, God’s will was that Jesus endure that pain and suffering. His will was declared and executed.
I understand Jesus a lot more in the Garden now. He knew what lay ahead and He was begging for it to be taken away. That’s been me about the Race. I know the weeks that lay ahead without my loved ones back home and I’ve been asking God repeatedly, “Father, are you sure I can’t just go home? How set are You in me staying?”
He’s very set. God has let me know that I will be staying here on the World Race. I am not a quitter. I am not defeated, but a conqueror because He makes me one. Jesus says He didn’t walk away and neither can I. God did tell me, though, that He will be with me through every hard, long-suffering, painful, yet beautiful step of the way. Jesus vouches for that.
So here I am staying on the World Race.
Here I am in Thailand ready to serve because I am in the will of the Living God.
Here I am choosing to listen to my Father.
Here I am.
