Sometimes I’m not sure if I write because I want to or because I need to; this is one of those times. When I metaphorically signed my life away to the World Race a year ago, I had big plans for the waiting space. I was going to become proficient at the guitar and ukulele. I was going to get fully funded and build a bank account full of personal money. I was going to lose 50 pounds, finally get a grip on scripture, get a 4.0, and somehow conquer every insecurity I’ve ever had. My big plans for this waiting time have been—by that estimation—one big failure.
Of course, I don’t look at it that way.
I was being unrealistic and irrational when I set these expectations last year, but I’m grateful that I was. Because now I sit, two months away from Launch, having learned in this time a very valuable lesson:
I am not going on the World Race a shiny, new, perfect person.
I am going on the World Race flawed. I am going on the World Race insecure. I am going on the World Race imperfect and that’s okay.
In the 11 months I spend away from home, I’ll likely set similar goals for myself. Live in the moment. Leave your baggage behind. Don’t you dare let yourself drink soda! Detach from technology; read more. Learn to manage your time. Don’t screw up.
But for now, I’m declaring one simple goal for myself:
don’t become overwhelmed by the things you want to change about yourself. Instead, become overwhelmed by the fact that God loves you so much, and sees you as so beautiful, that He created you in His own image. And now, He’s given you the opportunity to do things and go places that you’ve always dreamed of.
You see, comparison has always been the killer of my contentment. Whether it’s a friend who’s funnier than I, an acquaintance who’s more musically gifted than I, or a stranger who’s thinner than I, these comparisons have always squashed whatever worth and happiness I’ve ever felt. I guess I had in my head the notion that I needed to fix about me everything I didn’t like—everything that wasn’t “good enough”—before I left in June.
The peace settling over me now as I realize how untrue that is is incomparable. When I leave in two months, I’m going to be the same clumsy, punchline-missing, messy, loud, short-tempered, curly-headed, emotional, ever-tired, slow learning, childishly hopeful hopeless romantic that I am today and always have been. It’s who I am and it’s not a mistake.
That’s why God called me to go on this trip.
Will my wounds be healed? Maybe.
Will new ones take their place? Probably.
Will my perspective shift? At least a hundred times, I’m sure.
Will I be fixed when on the World Race? No. Because I’m not broken.
God is perfection and outside of Him, perfection does not exist. It’s okay to be imperfect, because through Him I am perfectly created. I’m not a rockstar at the guitar or the ukulele. I’m nowhere near fully funded and my personal bank account is borderline pathetic. I lost 15 of the 50 I wanted to, scripture still confuses me, and that 4.0 is a distant dream. Also, spoiler alert: I’m still insecure as ever. My big plans failed. I’m no closer to perfection today than I was a year ago. But I have peace because through Him, I am exactly as I should be. By my own standards I’ve set for myself, I’ll never be ready for this race. But this year—this waiting space— was not a failure. Because now I know, and can confidently say, that I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.
Is it June 27th yet?
