This month is dedicated to me falling in love with Mary Elizabeth Cox. I am praying for a head to heart journey where the knowledge of how loved I am becomes my everyday reality. I bet you’re wondering what must have happened for me to feel the need to dedicate an entire month to loving myself. Well, I’m glad you asked!
On Friday September 9th, I woke up desperate. I craved my family and friends’ affirmation and expressions of love more than I have at any other point during the race. This was one of our final days of debrief, and I was supposed to feel relaxed and energized to go to Swaziland. I also was scheduled for a one on one meeting with one of our squad coaches. I wanted to present the best Mary possible to her, but it was clearly impossible to hide how I was feeling. “This week was full of new freedom and boldness for me. Why do I feel so unwanted? Why is the lack of affirmation from those I love taking such a toll when the Lord is passionately pursuing and loving me?” I thought to myself.
I prayed with my team. I prayed with a squad coach. I prayed alone for hours. I needed an answer.
As I walked by the mirror, the answer hit me like a ton of bricks. “Mary, you don’t love yourself.” Things started to make sense. Years of lies that the enemy had whispered into my ear came to the surface, and the Lord showed me how His love has been there to counteract every blow. This is the moment I decided that I wasn’t going to settle anymore, but I am going to let God love me in places I’ve never really let Him go.
So, that’s how it happened. I am taking this month to fast from communication with the outside sources of love and affirmation that the Lord has so graciously blessed me with. I am asking for His love for me to become the lens that I see myself through. I will add to this blog each week, allowing you all to read this at the end of my time in Swaziland. September 2016 will forever be the month that I dedicated to fall in love with Mary Elizabeth Cox.
Saturday September 17, 2016
This week has been a time for the Lord to simply show me the things that He enjoys about me. I’m finding that my little quirks, my physical appearance, and things I’ve tried to hide for so long are actually a part of me for a purpose. Since I’m made in God’s image (Genesis 1:26-27), then these things that are a reflection of God himself. I love God, so why shouldn’t I love His image in me? So, I’m going to be vulnerable and share a few things that the Lord has told me that He enjoys about me.
1) He likes my humor. I mean, who doesn’t?
2) I’m unashamed of the Gospel (and the Gospel is honestly unashamed of me).
3) At times, I picture some of my life events as movie scenes.
4) God really likes my hair and my skin, two things that I’ve been self-critical over for most of my life.
5) Jesus loves when I picture Him physically embracing me (especially since that’s my main love language).
6) He created me with a teachable heart.
7) My smile makes His heart turn inside of His chest.
I’m finding a common theme here. Things that I have so often prayed that the Lord would change about me are some of the very things that He loves the most. You see, we are designed to bring glory to the Kingdom. We are holistically purposed. Our physical, spiritual, and emotional beings are a representation of God Himself, so no wonder the enemy comes against us in each of these areas. Never once have I been able to back any of the lies I’ve believed with scripture. Now I am able to recognize these lies for what they really are, and press in for the truth of who I am instead of blindly accepting what I’ve believed.
Saturday September 24, 2016
During this week, God has shown me how to love myself in the same way that I love others. I am so quick to pour out love to others, yet withhold that same love from myself. God loves me deeply, and I am to view myself in the same way He does. On Monday, the Lord told me to be aware during ministry, and He would show me three ways that I love others well.
I found that:
1) I love others without demanding them to change.
2) I allow people to rest.
3) I easily relate to many people groups, and respect individuality.
Sounds great and all, but how do I apply that to my own life? The Lord reminded me that it’s not that complicated. Love doesn’t change from person to person, but love remains the same because He is this love we are experiencing. With that being said, He told me:
1) Love yourself without demanding immediate change.
2) Allow yourself to rest.
3) Relate to your own story, and respect the individuality of who you are.
I don’t have it down perfectly, but the Lord has initiated change in my heart. I want to love myself without demanding change. I want to allow myself to rest. I want to embrace the way I relate to people, as well as respect my own individuality. This will be a process, but I know that He will be there with grace for every single step of the walk, showing me the beauty of every situation.
Saturday October 1, 2016
As I sit here to write this final entry, I can see clearly that I am a different woman. I haven’t seen my reflection in over a week, and I’m probably the dirtiest I’ve ever been. Honestly though, I feel more beautiful now than I have in my entire life. This week specifically has been moment after moment of the Lord romancing my heart. I’ve been reading Song of Songs, and He has just revealed just how beautiful He has made me. He has given me eyes to see myself. Today was my last day to see many of the children we have worked with at our care points, as well as some of the adults I’ve grown close to during our time here, and I was able to see just how much impact the journey of discovering how to love myself has impacted the lives of those around me. By loving myself, I am able to love the Lord and others in a totally new depth.
I am beautiful. I am loved. I am desirable. I am Mary Elizabeth Cox, and I’m dang proud of who I am.
So here’s to falling in love with Mary Elizabeth Cox in Swaziland. This journey isn’t coming to an end, but is starting with a beautiful beginning. I encourage you all to take a leap of faith, look in the mirror, and ask the Lord to show you the beauty of being everything He created you to be-yourself.
All My Love,
Mary
