“If I had to assume off of social media how things are going – I think I could safely assume that you are having a blast!!”
– a dear friend of mine
Before the race, I promised to be completely vulnerable on my social media. I vowed to show the hard moments. I thought I was going to be some ground-breaking super missionary who could not only handle hard situations, but also capture the perfect picture and pair it with a beautiful caption to describe how God was present in our brokenness.
Well, it’s not that easy. I just wanted to take a minute to provide that vulnerability, and to allow you all to have a glimpse into the things that didn’t make it onto social media this month.
1. Being in a closed country was hard to adjust to for the entire first week of ministry. I honestly passed up moments to share the Gospel because, well, I was afraid. I was afraid my team or my host may suffer if I was careless. So for a short time, I walked in fear. It also made sharing/posting on social media difficult for fear that we would expose something we shouldn’t.
2. Thanksgiving was the first holiday for us to experience on the field. What I don’t show you was me laying on my bed before ministry (and by my bed, I mean our bed. You could say Brittany was always close when I needed her.) listening to Christmas music my cousin Meredith sent me. I cried. A lot. But hey, Jesus wept, right? Pictures of that moment didn’t grace your newsfeed because of two reasons.
A. My crying face is worse than Kim K’s
B. I often feel that if I share how much I miss home, that I will be misunderstood.
*We now interrupt the scheduled program for a message from current World Racers. Understand that missing home does not mean we wish away anything God is doing, but that we have a deep love for those we miss. You’re irreplaceable, and it’s perfectly fine for us to miss you. So when we say we miss you, it’s awesome to hear that you miss us too.*
3. Some of our squad mates went home this month. I won’t share details, but just know that our squad could use your prayers.
4. Two of my teammates got sick, and I was afraid that I wasn’t going to take care of them well. I’m a brand new nurse, so the fear of missing something important is there. The good news is that though I lack experience, God graciously provides wisdom, knowledge, and discernment in these situations.
5. The reality of spiritual warfare hit hard this month. Moments when there was nothing for me to feel bad about were gripped by fear, anxiety, and guilt. Jesus showed His victory and love in these moments, but they were still very real.
6. Lastly, I can’t show you the pain of leaving the people of Vietnam that we now love deeply. I can tell you stories and show you pictures, but words can’t express how our hearts bond with the people of the nations. Leaving them is as difficult as leaving home. You’ll just have to take my word for it. Another aspect to this is saying goodbye to our team members. We will be having team changes this week, and saying goodbye to this season with my six brothers and sisters is painful. I know there is beauty to the challenge of it, but it’s difficult.
Honestly, this month has been the hardest month of the race for me. This post does not (and could not ever) contain every challenging moment that I experienced this month.
By no means do I want anyone to think that I’m saying this negatively. Because this month has been so hard, I have experienced the growth I have been praying for. There were also many positive moments-moments of victory, salvation, love, and grace! For more information on these experiences, feel free to private message or email me!(or look at my social media. Haha)
Thank you, Vietnam, for teaching me so many things. The most important being ,”if you never try, you never make mistakes. If you never make mistakes, you’ve made the biggest mistake of your life.” The hard times are to be celebrated,too!
I love you all, and I cannot express how much I have felt your prayers. Thank you for every moment that you pray for me and my squad. The Kingdom is advancing, my friends.
All my love,
Mary
