I have been meaning to share what God did at World Race Training Camp, this past week I had the opportunity to share about what God has been doing in my life at church. It was great to share what God has been doing in my life, and hopefully challenge my church family to seek God in a perhaps a new way. So in a ‘not so brief way’, I want to share with you, what I shared at church and what God has been doing in my life!
So to give you a little background on where I’m coming from. I have struggled with depression for most of my adult life, off and on since I was at least 15. Years ago (in 2008) God revealed one of the roots of my depression. At that time I dealt with it and my emotional health (while always a rollercoaster), was pretty good for a while. But over the last few years the rollercoaster had been especially turbulent, with a lot of low times. Last summer was especially rough, as I was feeling very restless and wanted something new, I was tired of the same rollercoaster ride. As I sought God, He led me to apply to the World Race.
A few months ago God revealed another root of my depression. As soon as the thought came into my mind, I knew it was from God and I knew it was true. God revealed to me that I didn’t have much self-worth. It was often easy for me to mask it, because I was out going, I had self-confidence…but I really didn’t like myself. And as I struggled to let God have control of this, God showed me a situation from when I was in elementary school hurt me and contributed to how I viewed myself. Now it wasn’t the cause necessarily, but it was one time when that lie, the way I viewed myself took root in me.
During training camp I was still struggling to give God control of this. I felt burdened by the knowledge that I didn’t like myself. I felt like there was a wall up between me and God. I didn’t really understand why…I was open palmed, wanting to surrender it, but would somehow grab back on to my hurt over and over.
Although the process was a quick 3 step process, it’s easy to explain it that way. So here it goes…
Step 1 – Identify the issue. God revealed to me my lack of self-worth.
Step 2 – Grieve. It’s not the easiest thing to articulate, but for me, I had to grieve going through life not liking myself. Life would have been easier if I had of actually liked who I was and felt I was worthy of people’s love. I sort of had this moment where I felt ripped off, like I missed out on something. So I had to grieve that and basically tell God that I was hurting.
When we don’t grieve we often suppressed it, which often causes us to be bitter or angry. Ephesians 4:31 calls us to “get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.” So we need to prevent building up that bitterness and anger. And often, if we haven’t grieved something, it slips over into other areas of our life…whether that be our family, friends, or coworkers. Sometimes we avoid grieving something because we are scared of the pain, but we need to let God into that hurt so we can begin to heal.
Step 3 – Forgiveness. At one point we were in small groups praying, I shared that I was really struggling to let God in; that I felt like there was a wall that I couldn’t seem to fully surrender my self-worth to God. One of the girls praying with me asked if I had forgiven the people who were involved in that incident I mentioned from elementary school. It hit me like a brick…no, no I hadn’t. It seemed silly to forgive someone for something that happened so long ago…but for me I had to forgive them. That evening, I did forgive them, and I literally felt the wall come down. As that wall came down, a few other situations came to mind from when I was in junior high and high school, and I forgave them. And I felt so much peace and joy after that “wall” came down.
From a rational standpoint…Jesus forgave us, so forgiving needs to be a central part of our lives as Christians. We literally need to consciously forgive anyone that has wronged us. And when we choose to walk with Christ and invite him to reveal those hurts to us, we get to forgive! And when we forgive we tear down that wall that our flesh, our human selves are constantly building between us and God.
And God needs to be a part of all of those steps. I guess you could add a 4th step, let God transform you, and fill those areas that were hurt, that were broken. Psalms 147 says God “heals the broken hearted”; Psalms 91 says “He is our refuge”. He won’t reveal things to us, just to leave us hanging, to leave us in our grief, He wants to enter into that with us and heal our brokenness, to make us new. James 5:16 says “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective”; it’s hard to do it on your own, God will use other people to speak into our lives. The World Race is all about community!
Finally, Romans 12:2 “don’t copy the behaviors and customs of this world, but let God transform you by changing the way you think, then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect”. God will transform the way we think…the way we think about Him, ourselves, and the world around us, but we need to let him…and then we will see God at work in our lives and see our place in that plan.
For me I learned that God delights in me. It’s hard to explain, it’s not that I didn’t KNOW it before, but I had a new level of understanding. He created me. He knew what I would struggle with. He knew I would feel like I didn’t fit in. In fact he created me to be an individual with gifts, passions, desires, and interests that don’t FIT a cookie cutter. He created me to be unique. He delights in his creation. I know this. Just like when he revealed that my lack of self-worth was a root of my depression, I knew it was truth. When he told me that he delights in me…I knew it was true. I am a child of God. And he loves me. Right now, where I’m at, in my brokenness. He loves me. And this knowledge transforms the way I view Him, myself and the world around me. I know that it will impact how I am able to pour out His love around the globe!
Thanks for taking time to read my blog! I know this was an especially long one…and long overdue! If you would like to partner with me, please respond to my blog (I love comments!) or send me an email ([email protected]). In 7 days I will be in Atlanta for launch and in 10 days we leave for Nepal!
