First off… Bare with me, I am no grammar master, I typically use punctuation wrong, I have a small vocabulary, and I am not a novelist.
Everyday I think about writing in my blog.
And everyday I push it to the bottom of my priorities—because I am afraid.
I’m not afraid to share my feelings, I’m not worried that I will be judged on whether my writing was good enough, or whether people will like my blog. I am not worried about fundraising money. I’m not worried about being away for a year. I’m not scared to be on my own.
I am worried I am not a good enough Christian.
I grew up going to church as a young kid. Sunday school never failed me; coloring pictures of Jesus or sheep’s or whatever that bible verse was that day was always enjoyable. I attended ALL of the vacation bible schools up until I was too old. When I was younger we always went to the Christmas/Easter sermons. As the years went on we stopped slowly, and eventually stopped entirely. For me, it was upsetting because I wanted to know God. So in 7-8th grade I started going to bible study groups with my best friend Emily. I’d like to say I went for God, and only for God…but I think a lot of it was for social reasons. Emily and I joined her sisters small group and I went to that for a while. I felt refreshed, and I felt like I knew God. Eventually, I stopped going…I don’t know if there was a reason or not, maybe it was just because I was no longer allowed to go to the middle school groups because I was then a freshman. I am not sure. Anyways, I ended up not going to any sort of church as a high schooler, except on occasion.
In the back of my head I have always thought about Jesus, ALWAYS; questioning everything.
In recent years my dad got remarried to Jayme. Jayme grew up in a very Christian orientated home: went to a Christian school, went to church every Sunday, and prayed at the dinner table every night. She (Jayme) brought Christianity back into my families’ life. My dad has recently asked God for forgiveness and has accepted God into his heart. We now go to church almost every Sunday, and we pray before our dinners.
I enjoy church; I enjoy praying.
For me, it has been kind of a rough transformation. I am very quiet when it comes to my faith because I feel like I am not knowledgeable as much as I should be.
My biggest fear for this trip is not being knowledgeable enough.
I believe in Jesus, I believe He died for our sins, I believe He is Risen.
I want to spread the word of God; I just wish I knew more of His word.
As the day’s pass, I watch all of my World Race teammates post blogs. Each time I see them post, I become more hesitant in posting my own. When I check out their blogs I notice that they have a very close relationship with God. They use a lot of bible verses and they seem like they know what that are talking about. Every time I think to myself about how I don’t have bible verses memorized, or think about how I am not as knowledgeable as they are, and I get a little more worried for this trip. Not worried in the sense of “oh no, I can’t go” but worried in thought of “how am I going to know what they know, or how am I going to minister when I am not the most knowledgeable Christian out there.”
I have been trying to read books or pay more attention in church to become more educated, but still this is bringing anxiety upon me.
This weekend I was asked by my brave 10-year-old cousin Haley to read her testimony for her baptism. I felt very excited and I shed a few tears during her baptism. I am very proud of her. I envy her; how does a 10-year-old have such faith and knowledge of God, when I don’t?
During her baptism it really hit me.
One day, I want to be baptized, and I want to share and show the world my belief in Christ.
Another thing that hit me was the realization that the World Race is and will be the best thing for me. The World Race is going to be the most difficult thing in my life; it is going to challenge me in many different ways. BUT the best thing of all is that it is going to teach me more about God than I know now.
I was accepted into the World Race for a reason.
God has a plan for me.
God has the answer.
God will provide the knowledge for me—and He has already began teaching me. Everyday I learn something new about Him, and about the Bible.
God says not to worry, and to trust Him. So I am. I am no longer hesitant in posting a blog because I don’t have a bible verse on the top of my head. I am no longer going to fear not having enough information about him, because again, he will provide me with what I need.
I pray that these next 8-9 months I learn as much as my brain can absorb before my trip.
I ask that you pray with me.
Love,
Marley
