Wrecked by Love

So my time in the Philippines has almost come to a close. In four short days my team and I will be heading to Phnom Pehn, Cambodia, to start our next month of ministry with Teen Challenge!

I’ve been reflecting these past few days on the month of ministry we’ve spent here in Manila, and the work God has done in my heart during this time. Working with the Long family and their ministry has been an incredible experience. My team and I have had a taste of every type of ministry you could imagine…feeding starving children in the slums, teaching in a school for underpriviledged students, bringing weekly food and medicine to a refugee camp, caring for an orphan baby boy at a hospital, hosting Bible studies in the community, working at construction projects around the ministry center, volunteering at the orphanage, among so many other smaller projects and conversations and choices to invest in the lives of the staff and community here that go unmentioned but not unnoticed.

But as I think back on this month, what stands out the most to me is not the ministry itself–which don’t get me wrong, was incredible and will leave me with some of the most precious memories that I will carry with me throughout my lifetime–but rather what God has done in my heart through the ministry.

I remember, at the beginning of my month here, praying that God would absolutely break me and change me and wreck my life for Him and His glory. And then I remember, halfway through the month, feeling frustrated because I didn’t feel broken at all. These past 4ish weeks have honestly been the best 4ish weeks of my entire life; I can’t imagine having a fuller, more satisfied life than what I have right now.

But this past week, I’ve realized that brokenness doesn’t always come in the same size or shape or form that we may expect. And I know now that it’s possible to be wrecked by love.

It was hard for me to see the change that was taking place in my heart when I was in the midst of it, but looking back on this past month I am starting to see things more clearly. Before I came on the Race, I was a different person. I wore Anthropologie clothes because they made me feel beautiful and feminine. I never left home without makeup on my face to cover my imperfections and make my skin look flawless. An outfit wasn’t complete without my favorite pair of Betsey Johnson earrings and the perfect necklace or pair of shoes.

I know that nothing is inherently wrong with any of these things…fashion and femininity and feeling beautiful are definitely things the Lord blesses women with and smiles upon. (I mean, I wouldn’t be surprised if Heaven looks and smells and feels just a bit like walking into an Anthropologie, but that’s just me!) But when these things become the source of your identity, and you fail to feel beautiful without them, that’s when the problems arise.

I’ve always struggled comprehending that God desperately loves me. That He is passionate about my heart and wants to pursue me and pour His love out into my thirsty soul. The rejections of the world, because I had so foolishly placed my worth in how other people saw me, caused me to reject the idea that I had value in the eyes of God.

That is, until this month, when I was wrecked by love.

God gave me His eyes as I looked into the eyes of His children at the orphanage, and I saw so clearly the unspeakable love He has for them. And as I began to love these children as Christ loves them, I began to see that, just maybe, He loved me the same way. The more God filled me with love to love His children, the more I began to accept His desperate love for my soul.

Today I am not wearing makeup.

I have horrible acne from a month of constant sweating.

My hair is frizzy and in a pony tail.

I am wearing shorts and a t-shirt, the same shorts and the same t-shirt I’ve worn at least twice before this week, because I only own 7 outfits now and doing laundry once a week just isn’t financially feasible on my budget.

I’ve worn one pair of shoes for an entire month.

My coolest accessories now are a pair of $2 earrings that I wear when I want to “dress up,” and my $5 plastic watch from Wal-Mart that never leaves my wrist.

And you know what?

I’ve never felt more beautiful.

Brokeness for me this month didn’t come through trials or hardships or homesickness or fear, but rather through being broken over the depth of love Christ has for me. And maybe that’s because it’s what life all comes down to: love. Maybe I needed to understand and be broken for the love my Savior has for me before I could be truly broken for His people.