Alright, onto part two. One of the first days we were at training camp (I can’t remember which day exactly, it was such a whirl!) my friend Haleigh wrote me a note; she told me she wanted to talk to me about the freedom God has for me and about stepping out of my comfort zone to really live out His plan.
At first I felt almost resistant to talking with her about this. Like I mentioned in my last post, I just felt closed off and feeling-less. I really wasn’t excited about getting into my crappy past, but as it turned out, I needed to have that talk with Haleigh because freedom is exactly what I needed to know.
So I prayed with Haleigh and Kate (another girl from my squad). We sat on a log in in White, Georgia surrounded by leafy green trees, warmed by the sweet sunshine and I told them all the things that I needed to be freed from, and they prayed over me. I cried, and felt so loved and cared about, and cried more.
For the first time, ever, I not only knew that God frees us from our past, but I felt it. I physically felt the weight of the things that were holding me down being removed. We prayed over relationships that I’ve been in that have taken pieces of me with them when they were gone, over broken relationships with family, over my regrets and losses, and feelings of inadequacy. Something that Haleigh said struck me- God calls us to confess and seek forgiveness, but He never, ever calls us to be ashamed. The proof: Galatians 5:1 Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage, and Lamentations 3:22 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
The next day, Ron Walborn talked about grieving the seasons. He said “ We can’t effectively embrace the present and future if we don’t grieve the painful losses of past seasons,” and then I was all, ok God. I get it. This is a process, and I am set free from the things of the past, but I also need to grieve them. Because, if we never pay attention to our hurts and losses, we become numb and our hearts are deadened. Ron told us that the key to unlocking our joy is unlocking our losses, and that the devil uses our fears and shames to keep us hurting and broken.
He was so right. For years, I have been living in shame and embarrassment over my past. I have been afraid to tell people the truth, and felt like if I kept it all locked up inside me it would just go away. This method of ‘shove the feelings down, pretend everything’s fine’ got me stuck in this awful cycle. I couldn’t break free from any of the stuff that I hated about my past because I didn’t acknowledge it, and I coped with it by putting myself in an environment and lifestyle that condoned living a careless life full of shallow relationships, alcohol, and sex. None of this was resolved until I sought God and accepted the freedom He offers.
This was surely one of the coolest things about training camp (I mean, the list of “coolest things” is pretty long) and I am so thankful for bold, honest friends and the wisdom of the staff and speakers that were present last week who helped lead me to this truth. Most of all, I am so thankful that Jesus came to redeem us, and not condemn us.
So, like I said at the end of part one, God did let me feel Him. He did open me up and soften my heart- in a new way that I hadn't ever experienced before. It wasn't all rainbows and butterflies (yea, i just quoted Maroon 5), it was difficult and painful and full of tears and so amazing. I am so in love with my Jesus, and so in awe of how He takes care of me.
James 5:16 "Confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much."
