I have, for so long, been living mediocrely at best for Jesus.
In high school I told people about the small mission trips I was a part of, brought friends to church and youth group events, and talked about how I “believed in God”. I got to my senior year, and chose a Christian college because my parents made me; the rule was that I had to attend a Christian school for at least two years, and then if I felt it necessary I could transfer to another school. I attended chapel 3 times a week, as required. I went to church when I felt like it, or if my friends were going. I got involved with my floor’s Bible study and even became the RA’s assistant. I spent my time at Malone switching majors (like, 5 times), volunteering at a local homeless shelter, finding a new crush of the week, and playing intramural sports. During my third year at this school, I began going to parties and growing away from the friends who didn’t dabble in the party/going out scene and found new people to hang out with. Soon, I was in the process of transferring to a state school. I played it out like I was transferring for all the right reasons- tuition cost, class availability, graduating on time, and better resources at a bigger school. In reality I just wanted to experience the “freedom” that I felt was not being granted to me. I was quickly letting go of the few things I still held onto about my faith, and my relationship with God was pretty much non-existent.
For the next two years I poured myself into school, worked a lot, spent a lot of time in bars, and adamantly brushed off all of my mom’s questioning about attending church and inquiries about my walk with God. I dated “good boys”, who I was sure I was going to end up marrying, so it was no big deal to live like we were already married. I skipped church because I worked too late Saturday night or had to work too early Sunday morning. I had completely walked away from everything that I had valued at one time. Lucky for me Jesus said:
I give them eternal life and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand. John 10:28,29
I was trying to pull away and avoid church and Christians. To be honest, I felt burned. I was angry at the church for how they dealt with some things that had happened in my family. I was angry at Christians because I felt so judged and not loved by many people who proclaim Jesus. The problem is that Christians are still humans, and the church is still made up of humans. We still all sin, and will continue to sin until we no longer live in this flesh. I had become so hard and judgmental and was looking for happiness in ALL the wrong places. I had decided that I could live however I wanted to if I pretended I wasn’t a Christian, and surrounded myself with people who didn’t have a relationship with Jesus, and lived far enough away from home because who was going to hold me accountable?
God. God was going to hold me accountable. Deuteronomy 31:6 says “He will NEVER leave you nor forsake you” and Matthew 28:20 says “…surely I am with you always, to the very end of age”
So now, after many years spent struggling for control and pushing God away, I am finally letting go. I am forgiving for the first time and getting rid of the bitterness that I have felt towards so many people. I am allowing God to take precedence in my life, and I am beyond excited about where He is leading me. I am sorry for the time I have wasted, and sad to think about the people who have been in my life who I could have been a light for. However, I know that my God has big plans for me, and I am more than grateful for His persistence in my life.
Yesterday, I went to a Bible study for the first time… in probably 3 years. It was refreshing to spend time with people who love Jesus, to sing praises and read scripture. I cannot express in words the utter joy I am feeling with all the blessings God is showering me with. Seems almost unreal to think that I can live like this from now on, I don’t have to go back to living a life denying the Savior whom I owe my life to. If only a month after being accepted to the World Race I can feel this happy and this much closer to God, I cannot even imagine what He has in store for me over the next 2 years- and dare I say, even beyond that?! He is breaking my heart for what breaks His, and is giving me such peace about the path I have chosen.
Update: I switched to Route 3, so the countries I will be travelling to are a bit different. Also, my fundraising account has received over $2,200 since I sent my letters out on October 20th! THANK YOU!
