Squad Leading is some of what I expected it to be, and also some of what I wasn’t expecting. For anyone who doesn’t know exactly what I am doing on the World Race again, let me explain!
I went through an interview process and some training at Adventures In Mission (the organization that directs the World Race) in order to come back out on the field with a group of racers. My responsibilities or job description is kind of difficult to sum up, but if I had to it would be this: lead, disciple, and minister to the racers over their 9 month journey however The Lord calls me to. Kind of vague, I know. Which is probably why I am finding myself trying to hang in this weird balance: I am part of the team I have been living with, but in a few days I will pack up my stuff and head back to Bangkok to meet with the other 2 squad leaders, where we will pray about and decide which teams to head to next. I have to say goodbye to these 6 people who will remain here for 2 more months, who my heart has grown so quickly to love and enjoy spending time with, to Pang and her family here in Kanchanaburi, to the incredible mountain view and sweaty days of farming. I don’t really know how to leave ministry early- for 11 months on my race I said hard goodbyes to people and places I didn’t and still don’t know that I’ll see again, but it was ok because I had completed my time there, finished out the ministry assignment; it made sense. This hopping around and investing in people and teams and places and leaving before I feel like it’s time though, this is going to take some getting used to. God is revealing to me that I am going to have to learn how to rely on Him and find comfort in Him in new ways because unlike before, I won’t always have the same people by my side or a team with me to push through hard seasons with.
Something I have heard often in preparation for this journey is that I was chosen to lead because of who I already was, because of who God made me- not with expectations that I would be someone different or better than who I was. Which is both a relief and scary simultaneously. A relief because this means that the people who chose me to do this could see Jesus in me, could see my longing to be more like Him and to operate as the woman that He created me to be. But also scary, because that means I need to make choices and seek Him always to keep myself healthy and in a place that I can lead well out of. That means being real with the people I am leading about where I am at and what I’m struggling with. I have a big responsibility, but He makes my burden light when I walk with Him (Matthew 11:30).
I read today something today that brought so much comfort. Oswald Chambers writes about the missionary’s goal; when I think of a missionary’s goal, I think spread the good news of Jesus- the freedom, grace, mercy, and salvation that we gain from His sacrifice on the cross that still takes my breath away, that still leaves me speechless. I think to seek justice and hold tight to love, I think caring for orphans, widows, and the oppressed. Oswald Chambers writes:
“The goal of the missionary is to do God’s will, not to be useful or to win the lost. A missionary is useful and he does win the lost, but that is not the goal. His goal is to do the will of his Lord.”
He goes on to write about how Jesus’s life culminated in Jerusalem on the cross, as was His Father’s will. Nothing ever took Jesus off of the path that lead to this place; “He never hurried through certain villages where He was persecuted, or lingered in other where He was blessed. Neither gratitude nor ingratitude turned our Lord even the slightest degree away from His purpose…”
Dang. It is so easy for me to get caught up in choosing my own desires over God’s will. It is easy for me to want to go where I am appreciated. I am happy where I am. How easy it would be for me to choose to stay in this place where I am being blessed daily by good company and work that makes me happy. However, if I am a missionary my goal isn’t my own happiness (even if I am useful here!) but to walk in God’s will. Additionally, if His plans are perfect and His ways are higher than mine, logically I wouldn’t want to find myself anywhere outside of His will anyhow.
The end of Oswald Chambers’ writing about missionary’s goals is the sweetest. Jesus’ life on Earth ended in crucifixion but ours will not because His did. His death on the cross is our salvation. God’s grace allows our lives to end in glory- an eternity with Him, void of pain, sadness, and anything else not of Him.
As I learn how to do this squad leading thing, my goal is simply to walk in God’s will. To continually seek Him and where He wants me, and I trust that in seeking His will, I will be a useful missionary, and I will help win the lost, and I will lead and disciple His children well.
