Things Christians say a lot: "God blesses us with great gifts!" and "God loves us so much!" These also happen to be things that I have always believed. I mean, God sacrificed His Son, who was completely sinless and perfect. Jesus came to the earth and sacrificed His life on a cross, suffering a brutal death- oh, but not before He walked around loving, healing, and teaching sinners whom He was sent to save; the very sinners He knew would mock and deny Him. So, yea, God must love us A LOT to do all that, and even if He never gave us another thing, saving us from our own sin is a pretty phenomenal gift. That's easy, even logical if you ask me.
What's not been so easy is defining my relationship with The Lord beyond just a belief. Of course believing is a pretty good jumping off point, but if that's all you ever do, you're really missing it. I had been missing it for the better part of 2 decades. Really, it hasn't been until this past year that I took the time to invest in what I have always believed, and begin a true relationship with God. For some reason, youth group and Sunday school didn't really press the issue that is actually the most pressing- intimacy with God.
Over the last several months, I have been learning how to experience God in a new way. I have been learning how to trust Him, and how to be available for building a relationship with Him. It has taken time and sacrifice, and in my refinement there has been pain. I have had to walk through a lot of my past and deal with the things about me that I felt ashamed of or didn't love, instead of just pretending they never happened. However, in the pain and challenges, I have found comfort and sweet relief. It still boggles my mind nearly every day, that such a mighty Creator and Sovereign King created me fearfully and wonderfully (Psalm 139) and deeply loves me, more than any person can even imagine loving me, even my mom (those that know my mom know she loves me pretty big.)
I find it hard to put words to the way I feel about my Savior, and where He has brought me in the last year, and more specifically since being on the race. Judah Smith's sermon on Enjoying God (part 1) sums up a lot of what I have been learning about God's love for us: God is not the equivalent to the formal living room! You don't live in the formal living room or relax on the furniture; it is merely for looking. He desires for us to really live with him, He wants us to abide in Him: to remain, stay, continue, and dwell in Him.
During the month of June, just before leaving for the race in July this year, I found many of the people that I love in the midst of trials and life altering challenges. I began to feel the pressure of all of the situations that my family members and one of my best friends were in. Each of these situations lead me to feeling pretty uneasy about leaving for a year, leaving all of these people who mean the world to me alone with their troubles and trials.
I can honestly say, there were days I thought very seriously about delaying my launch, I spent a lot of time in prayer about whether I was supposed to go. I really thought that my presence at home was necessary to help everyone get through all of the things they were facing. No matter how much time I spent in prayer, God's response never changed. His plan was still for me to go on the race. As it turns out, I can't save anybody and just because I'm not with them, doesn't mean they're alone. I can't salvage marriages, I can't mend broken hearts, I can't change anyone's relationship with The Lord and I can't force anyone to decide to walk in a different direction.
So, I went on the race, despite my human instinct that I was more needed at home. Once we arrived in Guatemala, my team decided to fast for our families and friends at home every Monday. As we fasted, I prayed earnestly for the people I love. I realized that when I brought my worries to Jesus, I had to leave them at His feet; it was no longer my problem and I am commanded to not worry. Guess what? The Lord moved, in great big ways. My brother's life has drastically changed in only 3 months. When we FaceTime, we talk about The Holy Spirit, and he tells me about small group, playing drums with the worship team at church, Bible study, and the class on Revelations that he is attending. My mom is more at peace and is growing more in her relationship with her Savior than I have ever seen since she's been my mom (which is ya know, forever.) The Lord is working in my sister's heart, and is teaching my dear friend about His grace, mercy, and love that is constant and greater than we can imagine- through hard times and even when we stumble.
Everyday I wake up feeling so in awe at God's faithfulness to me and the way He takes care of us, just as He promises in His word. I am near tears of gratitude for the way God works every time I think of how He has protected and drawn my mom and siblings near to Him. I realized that giving up all my worries to Him and trusting Him with the people I treasure was the best thing I could do.
As I grow closer to Jesus, my reverence for Him causes me to fall to my knees in worship and praise. I've always known that He died on a cross for me, but to begin to understand and appreciate Jesus on the cross is much bigger and deeper than merely knowing. I am hungry to know the His word like I've never been. I look back at me 3 months ago, at the beginning of this thing, and am so excited at how God has already changed my heart. Then I think about the 7 1/2 months remaining, and even beyond the race and am entirely excited to see where he brings me and what His plans are for me. I am learning that His ways are far better than my own, and that if I trust Him I will end up in the midst of His wonderful plan for my life, fulfilling a purpose far superior to any I've imagined.
