I could have been more.
I could have done more.
I could have seen more.
I could have said more.
I could have had more.
I could have given more.
I could have received more.
I could have prayed more.
I could have been more.
Who doesn’t think of these things? Or am I the only one…
I sit on a beach in southern Thailand, some would call it paradise, I call it reflection time. I don’t spend much time alone, it usually leads to a dark side of me because I don’t like to be alone. I start thinking about life far too much. I think of what could have been. The “what if’s� of life often overtake me, leading to regret and confusion, nearly depression at times. I’ve learned to walk away from those feelings at times, because I know that God would never give us feelings of regret, confusion, or depression, rather it’s from the enemy, the very one I need to push out of life every day.
What if I had never left teaching?
What if I had stayed in Ohio?
What if I had never left the USA?
What if I had not moved to Thailand?
What if I had…
My list of what if’s could form a scroll 12 miles long…
I wish I could say that the answers I normally think were the true answers, but if I’m honest I have answers that often leave me empty inside.
…I would have paid off my student loans by now…
…I would be closer to my family…
…I would have more consistency in life…
…I would have more friends…
…I would be married… (ok, maybe not…)
…I would have…
Last night, however, something changed. Something inside me clicked as I sat among a Russian couple, a couple Americans, and a couple from South Africa. I loved where I was in that exact moment, but something really clicked. A beautiful young girl walked in selling flowers…maybe 4-5 years old. This is totally normal in Thailand, but something deep within me said that she NEEDED to sell those flowers tonight. I took God’s prompting, (normally I’m not a huge fan of buying things like that, but tonight I knew I should) and bought every flowery lei she had..maybe 8 of them. It cost me less than $10 in all, I gave them all away to those I was sitting with..that wasn’t anything special. The look and slightest grin of relief said everything that was needed to me. I may never know why she needed to sell those flowers, but she did it. I have my own answers in my head…and the simple fact that she didn’t respond to any of my few thai phrases I tried on her (she likely want a thai child), but in that moment, I knew the answers to all those questions.
God needed me to.
I may have done a lot of things in life selfishly, and may have a list of regrets, but the truth is, it may have all led to that exact moment. the moment God screamed in my ear to do something that I did, and it honestly simply led to love. (I really didn’t want the flowers if I’m honest…) It all led to a great conversation at the table, that’s a whole different story though.
