I am writing this blog after months of avoiding writing. I have many excuses as to why I stopped writing (no internet, malaria, missions); But really there was only one true reason. I had this feeling that I had disappointed people. And in doing so I concluded that y’all wouldn’t want to hear from me or continue to invest in my life. I had convinced myself that you were angry and annoyed with me because many are my supporters. After two months of not blogging I truly felt that I had failed in this part of my mission, to keep you all informed on what God was doing internationally. I knew I could continue to preach Christ and love others but in my mind I was hoping you all would forget about me. In my mind I was a disappointment to you.
I am fighting back tears writing this to you all. And it’s not because of my thoughts I disappointed you. The reason I am crying now is because this flawed logic that I used to keep me from writing to you is the same twisted mindset I used to keep me from running to our Father. When I would not communicate with Him, even for a short time, and instead do things I felt were worldly, I reasoned that He was disappointed with me. The way I saw it, I wasn’t living up to our arrangement. He saved me from my sins and gave me His Spirit and in return I would be in relationship with Him, turning from my sins, and doing good works. And because I using my time in what I felt was not the “best way” I thought He was annoyed or angry with me because I knew better.
I can’t tell you all how twisted this view is. I have placed way too much pressure upon myself and have missed the purpose of grace; that I need to do nothing to please God. He is pleased solely with my faith. My faith that Christ has done all to redeem me, that I am truly free. I’m free to spend time with Him, or not. Free to watch TV and movies. Free to workout and enjoy it. Not thinking I should be doing something more spiritual. Free! If you struggle with this thought too, that God doesn’t want to spent time with you, because you see your flaws you may not know the full extent of His grace. I know I don’t. I’ve been sitting more in this idea of freedom from the law and it is so uplifting. I’m not saying you use this freedom to walk in more sin. But if you don’t fully understand you are free you won’t walk in that freedom. You will be like I was. Constantly fearful that you are a failure that you could be doing more to please Him. That’s not the mind of a son.
As a brother in Christ I ask you continue to show me grace as I try and keep up with blogging. My race is over, but now I’m in CGA and working at AIM (more to come on these things). I’ll do my best to continue to walk in freedom and share Gods beauty as He continues to reveal it to me.
Thank you all, and I love you, Mark
