I don’t know how to start this, so I’ll start blunt – I had a night of self loathing depression last night. Part of it was the fresh mix of yellow fever, hepetitis A, tetanus, dyptheria and typhoid running through my system (yay for vaccinations), but that was just what brought my defenses down. The feelings and thoughts I was having are fairly constantly running in the background, I just know a truth about my own worth that usually fights it all. But last night, I stopped feeling what I know.
Last March I realized that the studio I was working in wasn’t the environment I needed or wanted to be in in order to grow as a film maker, and that I was really dissatisfied working there. I was also underpaid compared to industry standard. I started putting feelers out for a new job, but as it goes, it’s hard to look for a job when you’ve got one. So when I was accepted to the World Race in January and NEEDED to be making more money to afford gear, plane tickets, immunizations and all the rest, I took the opportunity to motivate myself and promptly quit my old job. I put out dozens and dozens of resumes to all sorts of media positions that were open at the time.
I only got two phone calls in five weeks of job hunting. Neither were in fields that required any of the talents I believed myself to possess, and of the two, one offered even less than I’d been making (think minimum wage), and the other didn’t offer me a job in the end anyway. After searching for five straight weeks and being unemployed for three of those, I did something that I had promised myself I would never have to do again – I took a labour position in the construction industry. Making the same as I had been making at my last job.
Let me be clear: I enjoy building houses. I have by FAR the best boss I’ve ever had, I love working with the guys I work with, and I don’t dread going to work in the morning anymore (more sleep still always sounds better in the morning, but that’s not the same). The problem comes in the fact that….well….no one wanted me in the film industry. That what I thought I was good at…I’m not. I wasn’t good enough to get hired by ANYONE. And on top of that, anyone with a hammer could be taught in a day to do what I do now. I just felt…inferior, unwanted, and generally worthless.
Usually I keep all that from taking over with the knowledge that I am God’s child, I am worth the life of His son to Him, that He has a plan. But last night, I stopped FEELING what I KNOW – and it all crashed down on me. Doubts piled up, doubts about whether my finances will start coming in soon, because nothing I’ve done thus far has produced more than a handful of supporters (for whom I’m very grateful, I just need lots more). Doubts about what I’m actually talented at, what I’m supposed to do with my life, and my own trust in God. Even doubts about how deep my friendships with people actually are, because I feel like I no longer have people in my life that make an effort to dig deep with me, because I in turn don’t open up so easily to people anymore. And when I do, it feels like they don’t care anyway. All in all, it was just a bad night.
Today was better, after some sleep. I can’t control most of what I was depressed about, so it’s not too hard to let it go for now. But here’s something I need from everyone that has dedicated themselves to following this blog and this missions trip – I need you to pray for me, for this ‘crusade’ as some of you have called it, and for my team. I know a lot of people will want to re-assure me that they think my editing is great, that they love me and that God loves me, that He will provide the funding I need, and I do appreciate those thoughts. But the reassurances just aren’t what I need. Like I said, I know that stuff, and most of the time I feel it too – it’s what keeps nights like last night from being a daily occurence. But I do need to know that people are praying here at home, that you will be praying when I’m on this trip, and that you care enough about what I’m doing to do so. Because without your prayers…well, I don’t think this can be done without them.
