Its rough when you live your life in a constant state of unbelief and hatred. There has been so much growth on this race its ridiculous, and at times it gets so hard to continue to say yes to God because that means another thing to struggle and walk through with God. This month through my prayer times God revealed to me just how much I have not been trusting him and how I see myself has really been effecting my life.
Ever since I was a kid I have struggled with who I am and started the belief that everyone else is more important than I am. It started with being diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome and it was all downhill from there. I annoyed people with my tourettes and therefore started putting myself into a box. This continued even still to today.
The thing that God has really been pushing me towards is to stop seeing myself in this light. To see myself how he sees me and actually trust and believe in him with my prayers. Talking with some friends I have come to realize that because of how I see myself my prayers and how I live my life have been effected. All day I can trust and tell people that in their lives God will show up and what they are praying is worth it and to not give up. For me though this is a different story……..Because of how I have seen myself I have come to find out that I really don’t believe that God can show up in my life for my future and for my well being….For me its weird that this connection can’t seem to be made, but coming to the realization that the way I see things is why has been a real eye opener.
For so long I have had dreams and asperations that I have not pursued because I didn’t believe that I would be successful in it and am not worth being successful. I have not believed that marriage or any other form of relationship for that matter would happen because of how I look and because of who I am, so I have never pursued anything. Even in normal friendships I always felt out of place like I don’t belong so I just show up every now and then, and don’t really talk a whole lot because my input doesn’t matter. I have put myself in situations where my credit is pretty shot because I didn’t make correct decisions because I figured it would go bad anyway……
I am so tired of being in this place, and with God showing me this and me seeing it finally I am on the road to fix it. It has only been a couple of weeks so I can admit its been a rough couple of weeks. I have hit moments where it is difficult for me to be around my teammates. I have not talked and avoided people, because through this process I am getting hit with all the emotions I used to deal with on a daily basis. I am fighting through and trying to change literally a lifetime of belief and thinking, and I feel as though I am losing. I feel as though I am annoying people and not supposed to be here or around people at all….I know at least for the most part these are not true, but this is the fight…..
If I am to be successful and be the man God has called me to be I need to believe that God can really move in my life. I know that I am on the world race and God has really been showing up, but that’s where the fight and strangeness comes from. All these awesome things have happened, but I have always lived with the mindset of..”if it happens cool, but I know it probably wont”…so this is what I need to start to not believe. Believe that God has called me higher, and the path is set out. That I am his and heck I can even have dreams and get married……
Learning this is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. To learn that who I have become and believed I am has been a huge lie that I gripped ahold of and allowed to actually become who I am….This has been so hard and everyday I am waking up praying to see my worth in Christ, and you best believe I am not quitting….My eyes have been opened and they will never be closed again.
Thanks so much for your prayers and support so far! This journey has been a difficult one, I have become a whole new person, and in it has been struggles…But I am forever changed!!
