Trust and identity, these are the things that God has been teaching me recently. God has changed me from the inside out, and I am literally a new man. I have lost about 80 pounds, I see joy in life, and I can really feel Gods love and I mean for real!! The world race has been 9 months of hardship, but honestly when you go to God and stumble through the brokenness its not going to be easy. Let me start by talking a little about my Identity shift…
9 months ago I was a person that didn’t see the joy in anything. I saw God as someone who loved me, but I couldn’t feel his love like I was supposed to because I couldn’t really feel love. I assumed everyone didn’t like me going in, so relationships did not go very far with people. My tourettes was how I identified myself, because lets face it Ive had it my whole life so it must be……. looking back its crazy to me that this was all normal. I wanted to change because seeing life like this was terrible, but I was comfortable in it, so I never tried to change. Coming onto the world race was’t the answer to this, but it has been where I have experienced God like never before, because he is the answer to this.
The shift in how I see things started month 3 in Japan. I was with my team and started to really be upset that I was the way i was. I could’t seem to connect with the people on my team or squad, and honestly I was starting to get annoyed at the fact that I was annoying. This was the start, but it got a lot harder. Since then I have been walking through these things step by step with God. How to see myself like he sees me, how to properly interact with people, how to receive and give love properly. How to trust him for real, and step out in faith in things. To study his word and really think about it, to fast and do it to completion, to live healthy both physically and spiritually…..haha this is why I came on the race, I just never thought it would be this hard to actually walk it out….
I have made some friends on this race that I know I have made for a lifetime, and I am more than ecstatic about this, but its because of these people that I have been able to get where I am. Yes the biggest reason is God, but he also placed them in my life for this! They are the ones that haven’t gave up on me when I wanted to give up on myself. They didn’t stop being there for me even when I was super depressed and annoying. I have been able to talk to them and vent knowing that they are genuinly concerned with how I am. This for me has been my favorite part of the identity shift….I am finally able to connect with people!
Through my life people have been the hardest thing for me to understand. I have been rejected a lot, and through this stopped trying to get to know people, even though with all I am I wanted to. It hasn’t been until the last couple of months that I finally knew what real relationship is (Jay/Kristina and Cameron/Shanna if you are reading this your the exception, we are already family, this is just the whole picture), I truly love these people and am excited that I get to share life with them, even when the race is over.
This right here is how I have changed, I never would have said something like that 9 months ago, heck even 4 months ago I was still kind of struggling with it. God has broken my heart and put it back together so many times, Im pretty sure theres not much left of who I was!!! I now understand the verse
2 Corinthians 5:17- “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here”!
I am a new man, but in all reality I am just finally who God has called me to be!
This has taken so much trust in God to actually live this out. I have had to trust that when I am changing it is him who is changing me. I have had to trust people because in order for relationships to happen there has to be trust. I have had to trust that no matter what happens God has me…I am glad that I have been able to, it just hasn’t been easy!
Thank you for your prayers, I have been forever changed because of what God has done. Thank you for supporting me through this weather it has been financially or through prayer, because I am a completely new man, and I couldn’t have done it with out you guys!!!
Love all of you!!!
