As I continue my journey walking in my true identity in Christ, more and more of me is disappearing and more and more of Christ is taking its place. On the outside looking in you see that my struggles are all too apparent. This month has been a month of walking through pain, and truly giving past hurts to God. The further I go into this process, the more difficult it is becoming, but it is also becoming easier to hear Gods voice, so its a win no matter what.
Today Cam and I cooked for both of the host families that have taken us in since being in Japan. Both families have become like family, and seeing everyone together made me really happy. When I had this thought God jumped in like he has a lot this month, and lead me to write this Blog……
The thing that God challenged me with is that I have not looked at my family like I looked at these families in a long time. I truly felt at home here and it is half way across the world from my real home. They are family in Christ and I will forever consider them family, but they are not the family that God blessed me with growing up, who raised me and really knows who I am. They are not the family that through my tourettes and pain with people who listened and were just there. They are not the family who made me my favorite apple pie every year, just because it was my favorite. They are not the family that every year gets together and has a dollar gift exchange and just enjoys each others company.
The fact that it took 26 years and me going to another country to figure this out really bothers me, but I am so glad that its not to late, at least I pray its not. I am so sorry that I separated myself from everyone. I am sorry that I missed holidays because I felt to ashamed to be around, so I just went to work instead. aI want to apologize because through all the pain that I have felt since I was a child I have held onto it. I closed myself off to love and other emotions, because they were to hard to deal with. Through all the craziness that has happened with everything I decided instead of getting involved I would just separate myself. I allowed my hurt and my unwillingness to let people in effect the way I see my family.
God has been breaking me this month in a big way, and one of the ways has been my heart and I realize I need to make it known on my end how things have been. I know that something like this is just words on a page, but I am wanting to do better. One of the things that weighs on my heart the most is I am wanting to be a brother that I never was growing up.
Miles and Michael if you read this, I have said it before, but I am truly sorry I was not there to be a big brother like I should have been when we were younger. I was so wrapped up in all my pain that I forgot that I had two brothers that had pain of their own. I realize we are all living our own lives now at separate places on this planet, but I pray that I can be a brother to you guys like I never was before. Be there to see your families grow and just barge into the house because its a Tuesday. I love you guys more than you know, and I am sorry with all I am.
This process has not been easy, but through Christ I am learning to love, I am learning to be part of a family, and I am learning to be me. This is just a start for me, so these words are just me speaking them, I know though that from this moment on I need to start living them.
I Love every single one of you, and if Ive never said it before I apologize. I am realizing though that I never believed I did so I never said it, but that has changed and I really do. I pray I can be a better son, brother, uncle, nephew and cousin when I get back, and it is going to happen because through Christ he is changing who I am. So this is my apology to you guys, and for real I Love you!!!
