Life’s been pretty difficult lately. For the past three years I knew who I was, and I was pretty sure I knew what I was meant to do. I lived and worked in a group home for high school students who have been in and out of jail. I have a heart for missions work and for youth and even though some of the craziest things happened in that house there are moments that I haven’t been happier. The time came though that I started to burn out, the joy I had started to flicker away, and it was hard just to smile. I now know that I was leaning on God when I was struggling not because I wanted to lean on him. Alongside that though I was still leaning on him and I knew it was time for me to move on.
I have now been out of the house for 3 months, and you know what I am still struggling. I am currently at work and I really am not enjoying it. I work a lot of overnights, and I don’t really get to go to church because when I get off of work i drive home and sometimes pray for protection because I am so tired. The thing is, is I was working along the lines of where I am called so I really miss it, and the world race is going to be an extension of that so I am really excited for it. I do recognize though that the reason I am struggling, is because I am still being sketchy when come to my relationship with Christ. You would think that since I have experienced God on a one on one level that was deeper than I could ever imagine that I would still be on that, but I haven’t been.
I know God is pushing me right now, because I do believe he opened the door for this race, and I guess the reason im writing this is because I am tired of being tired and im not exactly the greatest when it comes to communicating what I am really going through. I have been allowing the fact that I am not happy with where I am at to dictate how I am feeling and even to go so far as to limit what I believe God will do for me. LIMIT GOD……haha what is that really, I mean that makes no sense, and this is the reaction I have because why would I do that. I know his love, I know his glory and grace and I know he provides, he always has. Its weird, but when I look at it even the disciples did the exact same thing, and they literally walked with him. Its funny because I dont leave until september, but a big part of me just wants to leave tomorrow.
Part of the reason I am struggling is because the idea of raising $17000 sounds and looks impossible, and I am really having a hard time with that, because its hard for me to believe it will come through. I am about to let you know something no one, but me and God knows. I actually had an oppurtunity to go to Mali west Africa about 4 and a half years ago when I was in college, to live there and study. The reason why I never went is because I didn’t trust God to provide the money, so instead of stepping out in faith, I just didn’t do anything to allow it to happen. I proceeded in failing out of college and struggling about to the point I am at now, and the thing is, I dont want to repeat this anymore, so I am putting this out there. I never told anyone this because I have aloways liked the fact that I can step out in faith, but the one thing that I have never liked to do it in, and have actually stepped away from God and what I knew he wanted form me, just because it involved asking for money.
So there it its, here are my thoughts and I am just putting it all out there, because I do believe God will provide, I just need to believe it myself.
