I had a vision for my Race.
When I first came into Training Camp, I was pretty sure I had it all together. I had dealt with any and all hurts or regrets that I had at any time harbored. I was determined. I was going to be the rock, the guy others could depend on, the mature one who could guide others through their struggles, because, after all, I had already done all that.
Like I said, I had a vision for my Race.
Because of said vision, I hardened my heart to lessons I didn’t think I needed to learn.
It was because of the mindset that I learned my biggest lesson yet. You see, in preparation for the Race, I worked towards a specific future I had in mind for myself, beginning with my time on the Race. Subconsciously, the plan I had in mind was exclusively highs and no lows, walking in the Spirit and being a pillar of strength for those around me.
Jack Frost captured the entirety of the place I was at in his book, “Spiritual Slavery to Spiritual Sonship,” when telling of his own experience he says,
“Outwardly, I was a person of service, sacrifice, self-discipline, and apparent loyalty. But inwardly, I was filled with Spiritual Ambition – The earnest desire for some achievement and distinction and the willingness to strive to achieve it. I had an insatiable desire to be counted among the mature and successful.”
God had a different vision for my life. He wanted to draw me into a deeper intimacy with Him, the kind of which I had yet to experience in full. Because of my prideful desires though, I was not in a place where I was allowing room for that kind of growth in my life.
So God did what God does in those situations. He made room.
God shook my world. He broke me in a more real way than I have ever experienced before. I realized truths about the false self I had been projecting for years that I didn’t want to know. People were hurt and I was in the deepest valley I have ever been in.
God taught me a few lessons in my valley:
- I am not a pillar of strength. He is. If I am ever that for anyone, it will be because I am leaning completely on Him and not because of anything I bring to the table.
- God doesn’t need me, but He uses me.
- In order to truly realize my destiny, I have to give up this false self, this spiritual ambition that I had concocted. Instead, I have to depend completely on Him and the identity He has given me in His Son.
Essentially, what I have realized is that God has given me a new vision, not just for the Race, but for my life as a whole.
I am nothing. God is all.
This is the new mindset I am pursuing and approaching life with. God is all. Apart from Him, there is no life, no hope.
As I have recognized that new vision, I have noticed that the Lord has begun pulling me out of the valley. He has surrounded me by friends who have encouraged me, worshipped with me, and shown me what true humility is. Most notable would be the influences of Abel Ballew and Austin Draughn.
I am by no means at the peak, but I am thankfully no longer at the bottom.
Praise the Lord
Romans 8:28 “For we know that all things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose.”
Psalm 55:22 “Cast all your burdens upon the Lord, and He will support you. He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.”
