December 16th, 2012:
I was woken by a phone call from my dad –
“Marius…” preceded an extended pause that was filled with trembled breathing “…George died last night.”
I didn’t know it then, but that would be the most influential event in my young life.
I had just finished the first semester of my 3rd year of college. School was far from a priority for me, and my time was spent being an immature boy that didn’t appreciate the true value of his life. I was going through the motions of an unfulfilling life, and, up until that day, my focus in college was solely on partying and other irrelevant things. Life was fun, and I didn’t know it yet, but I was lost and far from the person I would later discover I would become.
Soon after my cousin-in-law’s death, Sommer (my widowed cousin) approached our uncle Rod and explained how she wanted him to be the manly figure in her children’s life. As my mom was telling me this, immediately a fire started in my soul.
I wanted her to come to me. I wanted to be that man. I wanted to be their role model. I wanted to be the man they would look up to.
I started searching myself, and it didn’t take long for me to see how sinful and empty my life was. I was FAR from the man Rod was/is. He’s a man anchored by honor, integrity, and accountability (amongst other things)– an amazing role model and someone I look up too greatly. He is one of the few men I would want my children looking up to…I look back and completely understand and appreciate her decision.
I knew I could never become a man like Rod if I didn’t realize the true priorities in my life and take them seriously. This perspective echoed in all aspects of my life, and I began to realize the foundation I build now is the one my future family (God willing) would inherit. What type of man and life does my future wife and unborn children deserve?
The first change I made was in my approach to school. Something I had never taken seriously was now at the center of my attention and it revolutionized my thought process. I recall thinking so deep about nature that physical pain in the back of my head was a daily occurrence. Waking up at night with equations running through my mind was a common frustration.
It didn’t take long for learning about science to raise questions in my spiritual life. Growing up I was a “Christian” but it was by default because of the household I was raised in. This spiritual struggle I was experiencing led me to a book that had been collecting dust my entire life – my Bible. My days were soon spent shuffling between physics textbooks and the Bible as my soul was filled with doubt, uncertainty and discomfort. What was important to me wasn’t if I believed in God or not, but rather knowing exactly why I did or did not.
It’s a question I believe everyone should have an answer too, and I couldn’t stop searching until I had mine.
This search led me to truly finding God for the first time in my life.
When people hear about the journey I have decided to embark on, I can only assume their disbelief. I imagine they’re asking themselves and others – “He’s doing what? When did he change into to such a different person?”
These people are the ones I bullied throughout grade school.
These people are the ones I was buying alcohol for with my fake ID when I was 17.
These people are the ones I was with as I drank myself into tomorrow.
These people are the girls I was sexually impure with.
These people are the ones I was cheating off in high school.
These people are the ones who saw, heard about, or joined me in all of the bad I was up to in my life.
Simply put, I can understand their confusion. But I also understand the reasons why they don’t know who this new person is. It’s because I went away to somewhere deep and far away as I ventured into creating this new life.
They weren’t there when I locked myself in my room month after month with nothing more than my Bible and textbooks.
They haven’t been with me on Sundays sitting as close to the pastor as possible.
They have never seen my arms raised to God at church during worship.
They don’t hear the Christian music that is constantly in my car speakers and headphones.
They haven’t sat amongst me during church groups.
They are yet to see me reach into my wallet and give to the hungry and homeless.
They haven’t witnessed me kneeling before God every night in prayer.
They didn’t hear me promise God, and myself, to save the rest of myself for my wife.
They weren’t there to see me in tears while embracing the forgiveness of Jesus.
They didn’t feel my heart when it was changed by the love of Jesus.
The ones who have walked with me and have witnessed these things over the past few years know this new me, and I couldn’t be more blessed than to have had them with me during this journey. They have played more of a role in my change then they will ever know.
My mind is no longer engulfed by the sins of my past, but rather by living the best life possible for God. I’ve gone from an unbelieving believer, to a lukewarm Christian, to now wanting to be as much of a “Gods Man” as possible.
I still have a large amount of lukewarm, and even cold, water in my soul left to heat up, but I have made progress I am proud of. I am FAR from perfect. I still have slip ups. I still make just as many mistakes as the next person. But I have chosen to change. I have chosen to be my best. I have committed myself to the route in life that will make me as close to God possible. The difference with me now is I’m aware of my mistakes, and I diligently try to change the perspective of the mind that creates them.
I now desire to be authentic in God rather than to be accepted by society.
It’s been nearly 3 years since my dads phone call. I constantly miss my friend. I still find myself in tears when I think about him. If you’ve ever been in my car, you’ve probably wondered why a diehard Broncos fan has a Steelers hat in his back window. That’s because it’s his, and I want him there with me everywhere I go.
When I look back at that day, I would have never imagined that his death would be the best thing that has ever happened to me. If I could change his death and wait for another event to come along and change me, I would instantly. But I am so thankful that God placed such an event in my life, for he knew the way it would change me.
George was a great friend of mine, and one of the few relationships at the time I cared to have. His death hit me hard and deep. Having a heart attack at 40 years old causing 4 little girls to be fatherless was far from something I considered fair… But after God took away my cousin, he gave me another one. He is a man that I am very thankful and appreciative of. He has walked into an unimaginable and undesired position – but it has been one that has given my deserving cousin a husband, and her deserving children a father…And I pray he too becomes a best friend.
Challenging and unfortunate situations are placed in all of our lives. But what has happened has happened. Nothing can change it. Trying to change the past isn’t possible or important. It has happened for a reason and is apart of Gods plan. What is important is how you react to it. How you let it change you. How you change you. How you let God change you.
If someone told me on December 15th, 2012 that I would soon be a teaching assistant, a tutor, an academic and program scholar – I would have laughed at them. If they would’ve continued and said in 3 years you will begin a year long journey, leading a team around the world to solely glorify God, my laughter would have turned to me relentlessly trying to get away from that crazy person.
Three years ago I set out to make 4 little girls proud of me. That desire has turned into me doing all I can to make God proud of me. I have since been freed from sin and hatred in my heart, and I’ve never been happier and more full in my life. I hope you work relentlessly and diligently to fulfill your own desires – and I pray that your desires lead you into Gods hands too.
RIP George Will
…
Because of everyone’s generosity, I have raised nearly half the funds I need for my journey. To feel the love and support I have received over the past two months has been unexplainable.
Thank you for believing in what I am doing.
Thank you for believing in me.
Every donation made towards my fundraising during the month of August will be entered into a drawing for Broncos tickets. Winner gets to pick 4 tickets to ANY regular season game they would like. $20 = one entry , $50 = 3 entries.
You can donate to my journey by clicking here.
