there’s too much treasure to be focused on the darkness in my life. we have been going to an international church called Beza, and they started a series a couple weeks back on criticism. the pastor told true a story of a man in south africa who sold his farm off for far below the price of the land around him because the field wouldn’t produce the crops he wanted. the man who bought it also struggled because there were massive black rocks all over, too many to practically clear out. the man thought they were kind of beautiful though so he put one on display in his home. when the local pastor came to welcome this new farmer into town, he noticed this massive black rock gleaming on display. he asked the farmer where he got it to which he explained that his field was overflowing with them and he was getting discouraged and didnt want the land himself anymore either. the pastor asked to go out to the field and when they arrived the pastor helped the farmer dig up more and more of this black rock. the pastor turned to the farmer in disbelief. having been a jewler before finding his calling as a pastor, the man knew confidently that this was a field full of diamonds. to this day that land is still an in-use diamond mine for a company that the rest of the congregation gasped at but personally i buy my jewelry from forever21 so i was clueless.
ANYWAY
yes, this field was no good for producing crops. if you look at it from the perspective of the original intent, there is frustration and failure. but when you let go of your own expectations and what may “make sense” you can find treasure. this is an obvious example of finding the good in the bad. you may be thinking “okay finding literal diamonds is a lot more simple than my stressful job or failing marriage or difficult children.” but as Christians we are called to follow all commands of God. we are called in Psalm 1:1 to not sit in the company of mockers (or scornful). in Jude verse 10, he speaks against those who slander what they don’t understand. later in Jude verse 16 he speaks of the Lord coming to judge faultfinders. the Lord says seek and you shall find. if you want to be critical and find fault you for sure will, in literally anything and everything in this world. it’s a fallen world! there is fault! there are mistakes! but we are not called to focus on that; we are called to stand up and rejoice in the blessings of the Lord. right now we are enveloped by criticism. our society thrives on harsh words behind keyboards and passive aggressive comments. we are called to use the love we have to turn this world around.
it’s thrilling to have a world full of options. i guess daydreaming can take my head too far, but maybe that’s just God giving me some readiness for what’s to come. i’m not really worried about where i end up. i also have no clue where it will be next, though. yes it can seem like a bummer to go back home and the fact that God’s timing teaches nothing but patience is hard. but I will be blessed because that’s simply who my Papa is. my Papa created His kids to thrive in what we love. He knows that I love art and reading and writing and nature and questions. He knows my spunk and my curiosity of what’s out there. He knows me when I’ve lost myself. and I am very aware that i’m writing this in reassurance to myself, but thats just the way it is sometimes and that’s okay. presently learning that it’s okay to not know. it’s okay to be real about losing your mind! because it will always be found in Him in time. He’ll always find us and help us put all our parts back together in the jigsaw that we are. he wants us to find ourselves in new ways, so we can learn more about all he’s created. i’ve found myself developing in the darkroom. i’ve found myself watching the clouds on rooftops. there is so much to experience and sometimes that seems overwhelming but as of now it’s a challenge. How much can I experience in this lifetime? maybe experience wasn’t my word of the year, but maybe God is saving that as my word for my life.
i’m really not trying to be ordinary. i don’t even want to scratch “typical.” to defeat those words all that needs to be known in my soul is that i am a daughter of the Most High. YOU are a child of the Most High. suddenly there is a transformation of cold into firey, of normalcy into crazy passion, of criticism into delight. this life has too much to offer to be okay with complaining. too many lost people and broken hearts. too many hugs to give and names to know. too many forgotten sons and desperate parents.
I was not given this heart for selfish ambition. i don’t cry over injustice for myself. my heart doesnt break over mistreatment for myself. i was given this for them; my heart isn’t mine to have. it’s for the world to share. its for brokenness to see glimpses of hope. it’s for the lost to see the path I found. the only right path. the one that brought me out of the darkest places into the light. Matthew chapter 7 talks about this gateway, “small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” that’s not my secret to keep. thats for the world.
so thats why i cant stand still. that’s why i refuse to settle into a comfortable life. that’s why im excited for the unknown future and thankful for the memories behind me of mistake after mistake. that’s why im blessed for my past, not because it was fun. because let me tell you there was so much pain wrapped around each choice, so much anxiety in each breathe, so much numbness in each quench. it wasn’t romantic. it was wild, but it definitely wasn’t free. the freedom i’ve found now in what I have with my Savior erases all of that. i dont have to worry anymore. i dont have to cry over my confusion. i still dont have the answers, but when you follow someone who knows infinitly more than you do, not knowing seems a lot more peaceful than doing it all alone.
