I’ve always just looked forward to the time I would be without. Without technology, without typical living conditions, without tasty food. I’ve longed for this hypothetical time in my life thinking “Then I will know what it is really like to rely on God, what it’s really like to live.”
I’ve seen the growth and the beauty looking back at the most difficult times in my life and always had this desire to live that hungry for the Lord every day. In addition to the process of the tattered journey, there is the incredible destination. After making it to the other side of whatever struggle you face, there is a sense of accomplishment. You’re able to look back not only on the obstacles in the path but on the person you were at the beginning and the faithfulness of God throughout.
That’s what I was looking for in the World Race. Eleven months of debilitating missions in eleven different countries. To be physically and mentally exhausted. To battle getting out of bed. To grieve the absence of my family and the luxuries of home. To question what on earth I was thinking. To be so desperate for comfort and needing to seek the Lord for strength to get through my every day.
Honestly, so far I haven’t felt as though the World Race has been much of a difficult experience. Yes, there are times that I get to choose to press in and step out into the uncomfortable.. like stopping strangers in a park and asking them about their faith or giving feedback to a teammate to call them higher into walking more like Christ. But I expected this to be a season where my physical environment would be as stressful as my emotional and spiritual environment.
It just hasn’t.
That is what has been so difficult for me.
Instead, I’ve been blessed. Blessed with leadership that supports me. With an incredible team that loves me well. With ministry hosts that provide mattresses, electricity, running water, showers. With wifi down the street at every coffee shop.. yes COFFEE SHOPS!
I knew that God could use this time, but I still spent a few moments each day assuring myself that this would get harder. Before I know it we’ll be in Asia and shortly after that will be Africa. Surely the longer we are away, the harder it will be. Surely the more remote we get, the harder it will be. THEN I can really feel the need for God!
But these first few weeks have been so comfortable, in fact, it actually made me feel guilty. I watched as squadmates struggle with homesickness, wifi withdrawals, and the monotonous task of scraping paint for hours. But I’m used to being away from home, I find peace in being wifi free, and I’ve had plenty of seemingly meaningless tasks and learned that even if I can’t see the immediate impact of it, I know it’s working its part in the bigger picture. So seeing others being stretched in different ways made me feel as though I didn’t fit here, that I wasn’t challenged the way that I wanted to be, that I didn’t need God here the way I wanted to need God.
It’s something I had a hard time vocalizing to my team.. I could just imagine how bizarre it would sound “Yeah.. I know that this can be difficult for you. It’s actually hard for me because I wanted this to be difficult and it just isn’t..” Finally the other night, I shared with my teammate, Melissa, and she did such an incredible job at reminding me that I have my place here just like everyone else. That God is growing me in different ways and that He is able to use me to support them and point them back to the big picture.
Yes, there is beauty in feeling your need for God through your physical environment. But I realized that’s not what God wants for me. Not now. That’s not why I should seek Him. He wants me to hunger after Him no matter what my living conditions look like. He doesn’t want me to turn to Him because I need Him but because I want Him. He loves me so much, He wants me to seek after Him even when I can wake up after a fresh night’s sleep and sip a cup of tea before getting started on my day. He truly wants to do life with me and THAT is beautiful.
Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
Philippians 4:11-13
