A few weekends ago we had the privilege to spend a few days in Cambodia meeting together with other World Racers in Asia at a conference called Awakening.
My prayer for the weekend was to encounter the Lord in a new way and for Him to teach me about myself and others around me.
A few big things came up:
Fear
Weakness
Pride
Three things I’ve ignored, three things that are oh so real and oh so present in my life.
Fear has come up a few times. First in Bulgaria when my team was encouraged to take an enneagram test that labeled me with a number and told me I processed and lived me life around fear.
I was immediately furious. I was mad at the test for labeling me other than something cute and lovely. I was mad that it told me I was something that I’ve walked out of after finding more and more freedom in Christ.
In Myanmar I read a chapter titled “The Rivalry of Fear and Love” from Lisa Bevere’s Book, Without Rival.
In that chapter she shared ways she let fear eat at her marriage and how fear holds us back from loving those around us. I couldn’t deny the fear that ruled me in my marriage and as I admitted that, I saw the fear that I let hold me back from loving my squadmates.
Weakness also came up. I was a pretty “sensitive” Airman, but I’ve grown tougher and tougher in these last several months.. and not in a good way.
Tough meaning that every time I started to feel, I shut it down. Any time I recognized a tear running down my cheek, my eyes would dry. Any time I started to hurt, I’d harden my heart.
I’ve projected this toughness that wasn’t even real. Where’s the heart that hurt at the thought of inequality? Where’s the heart that ached for those who don’t know Jesus? Where’s the faith that would boldly stand and proclaim the promises that the Lord had given me? Where’s the faith that truly believed I’d see physical mountains move in my life?
I have given up so much hope, so much joy, so much love, so much excitement. And I refuse to keep going about my life, numbing myself to the world around me.
I don’t want to be tough when the Lord is calling me to be weak, calling me to surrender.
God’s grace is sufficient for me. His power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
??(see 2 Corinthians? ?12:9-10? )
But in choosing to walk out of fear and embrace my weaknesses exposed a lot… I mean a LOT of pride.
Pride was something that wrapped around the other two in camouflage. Pride disguised as independence, pride disguised as humility, pride that kept me from seeing and excepting these things for quite some time.
I stood up in front of my squad that weekend and declared the surrender of my hopes for my future.. and now I wanted to share with you that I’m stepping out of being brave, being tough, and being proud.
It’s not instant, it’s a journey of course.. but I’m growing! 🙂
Much love,
M
