Yes… I said “mathematics”.
If we have talked about school or education, you’ve probably heard me say how much
“I looooooove math!”
Honestly, I probably even said it like that. Don’t expect me to multiply, divide, subtract, or even add small numbers together without counting on my fingers, but give me an equation to solve and I’m all in! Now, math could be a post in itself but I’ll spare you from the depths of my odd fascination and get back on track.. eventually.
Yesterday, I was talking with one of the women in my church family and we discussed the cost of my trip and some fundraising ideas. With just over $4,000 raised so far, I have $13,883 left to raise by November.
Let’s rewind a week or so.. I had previously thought about how recurring donations work and whipped out my calculator.. because, again, I’m more of an equations kind of girl. So, I broke it down to months between now and November, calculated a few different monthly donation amounts, and figured out how many sponsors it would take to be fully funded by November (my deadline).
I was pretty surprised at the number. It didn’t seem unrealistic.
Now back to yesterday, I’m talking to this friend/mentor and she reminds me of a podcast she had me listen to a few weeks ago, Epoch Seasons and Kairos Moments by Chris Vallotton. She reminded me that God is into suddenlies and she challenged me to pray big prayers. Whether you are a Christian or not, you have probably heard someone tell a story about how they prayed for something big, and God blessed them with it. If you listen to that podcast, you’ll hear a story about someone getting their house paid off. Talk about wild..
So after talking to my friend, I stopped and asked myself why I haven’t asked God for a huge blessing.
Well first, I prefer what seems ‘small enough’. I see a large amount of money and the only way I can get myself to believe it’ll come in is by making it smaller. So I break it down and tell myself that that is reasonable.
Sometimes I keep my prayers small so that if it’s not in His plan for my life, I won’t be disappointed. Other times I let myself wallow in self-doubt. I know that God can do big spectacular things but I don’t want to expect Him to or even want to believe that He will because.. well… me.
I am nowhere near perfect and mess up frequently. And not always the cute little “I didn’t completely stop before turning right on red and now I have to pay this fine” or “Oops, I accidentally let that word slip”. I’m talking about selfish decisions that hurt other people. I’m talking pride that has kept me from doing everything God has called me to. I’m talking about doubt that has kept God in a box because sometimes I’m just too chicken to ask Him for something mind-blowing.
So I don’t.
Now, I don’t believe there is anything wrong with asking God for y amount of people to donate b amount of dollars for c amount of months to have x raised for my trip, but I think my reasoning behind it can be. Mostly, I reduce God in the equation and keep my expectations and my prayers small because, from time to time, I struggle with believing that I’m worthy of having even my small prayers answered. Sometimes it’s just “easier” to put in the work to try and make things happen instead of asking for God’s help in a suddenly kind of way. I tend to thrive off of seeing my hard work pay off and.. well, if I don’t map out a detailed plan with short term and long term goals, I would have to work through a place of total trust and dependency on God to provide for me.
But that spot is such an incredible place to be. Especially when you know and trust Him to provide what is best for you. God’s grace is so much greater than all of my past, present, and future sins that allowing them to hold me back in any way is just taking away from what Jesus did to wash them clean. The mistakes I’ve made should serve as a reminder of God’s mercy and inspire me to grow out of the old, not hold me back and keep me from believing that God has big things planned for me.
We live in a world that places quite an emphasis on hard work and earning a living. Well I can’t earn a blessing, I don’t even deserve forgiveness. But God forgives because He is loving and merciful. He wants us to forgive others and I believe He wants us to forgive ourselves as He forgives us so that we can live more closely with Him. So that we don’t let our past dictate our present and our future and expect less for ourselves.
As far as the big prayers go, I believe it’s time to spend more energy on some of the things God has already given me a passion for: marriages, self-worth, precious life coming into this world, those who have yet to experience His love, and the process we walk through to live a more meaningful, holy life with Him. God has provided for me thus far and I really trust and believe He will continue to.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.
Proverbs 3:3
