We climbed the dusty staircase to the second floor and listened to the sound of jackhammers and other heavy machinery from the construction outside. Our host, Barry turned the key and opened the door, welcoming us into the entryway of the apartment that would be our home for the next month. I step inside only to see the largest, cleanest, most modern kitchen I’ve seen in months. It was as though a beam of light came down from heaven on to the oven as angels sang. It was beautiful. I could just see myself: Red Cedar podcast playing in the background, cup of tea in the corner, standing there baking a cake.. or a pie.. or muffins! Oh the list could go on and on…
I eventually made my way into the bathroom and, I kid you not, it is nicer than most bathrooms in America.
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I tend to be a pretty, grateful person (the misplaced comma was intentional xD anyways..), but as far as the Race has been, every time I see our living situation, I’m disappointed. I’m grateful, but I’m disappointed. We have been so blessed, it honestly discouraged me because, for some reason, I expected Eastern Europe to look like my imaginary desolate village in Africa. I expected to be hot, smelly, dirty, exhausted and stressed. However, we’ve been wonderfully taken care of and very well fed. In fact, fall in Europe even feels like fall in America (clearly I didn’t do much research or even look at a map long enough to judge the climate) and it has been BEAUTIFUL!!!!! It honestly just keeps getting better and better and let me tell you, a few days ago, there was nothing I wanted LESS.
I have shared my craving for a challenging physical environment and that God recently taught me that He wants to be pursued when life is comfortable as much as He wants me to pursue Him when it is challenging. But upon that realization several days ago, I still secretly hoped it would be a rougher living situation this month.. I had already learned my lesson after all. Instead I stepped into the typical dream (2 bedroom!!!) apartment.
Over the last few days, God has shown more light into this desire of mine as well as why it can be hard for me to embrace blessings.
I struggle with grace.
Now, there is no such thing as earning grace. I know that Jesus died for my sins and because of that, God’s grace is a gift that I get to choose to receive.
In knowing that, though, I still found myself trying to be better- needing to be better.
There’s nothing wrong with a healthy stride towards something, especially towards living a life that glorifies God. But buried deep beneath that obvious intention was my race towards earning God’s grace. I didn’t deserve His forgiveness.. so if I could do everything I could to be better, at least it would be a little easier for me to receive it.
On top of trying to earn grace through becoming more like Christ, God showed me that, for some reason, I’ve had this feeling that if I suffered enough, I would earn grace.
There’s something to be said about finding the Lord through trials, that was my obvious intention for wanting this to be challenging. But buried there was a hidden lie that told me that I wouldn’t be satisfied living comfortably. That I wasn’t capable of denying myself when I had nice things available to me. That I didn’t have the ability to hunger for the Lord if I wasn’t going hungry.
The root that made all of those lies so believable went deep, something I started believing about myself at a very young age:
I’m a selfish brat.
Don’t get me wrong, growing up as the youngest of five, I’m sure there were multiple times that I acted selfish and like a brat. I could tell you hours of stories of me being selfish even as an adult. I’ve lived for years feeling so much guilt and shame for being blessed with nice things, being right if it means proving someone else wrong, receiving a gift or even a donation for this mission trip. Being a selfish brat was at the core of who I was. Of course I couldn’t be satisfied, or deny myself, or hunger for the Lord. I needed something to force me to God because there was no way for me, the selfish person that I am, to do anything decent while having any other option.
And that, my dear friend, is a lie from the enemy.
By my sinful nature, I am a selfish being, but Praise God, I’m a new creation in Christ. There is freedom from my selfish tendencies.
There is also freedom from the identity that was stamped so deeply into the core of who I really believed I was.
With that, I have been able to let go and appreciate the things I have been blessed with so far on the World Race. Walking into this apartment was easy, but I had to remind myself several times while looking around that I was going to embrace the blessing that it is. And with that warm embrace, came more and more good news.
Our first night here, our ministry host requested cupcakes for the youth group Friday night. CUPCAKES!!! To those of you who have yet to know me in the majority of my adult life, there are few things that I enjoy more than baking.
There are quite a few moving pieces to what ministry in Bulgaria is going to look like for us. We will break up into groups going to teach English in a village, English Club for college kids, work in a preschool and other classes nearby, prayer walks, prayer meetings, administrative work, and it all sounds wonderful, but I KID YOU NOT, on that list is
PREPPING BAKED GOODS FOR THANKSGIVING!!!!
PIES
COOKIES
MUFFINS
ETC.
I could not have chosen a better time to embrace God’s gifts (except sooner would have been alright) because this month, although I know it will have its challenges, is filled with so many things that I truly do enjoy. Now, instead of feeling guilty for having a hot shower or having an oven to bake cupcakes in, I can honestly thank God for teaching me so many lessons and blessing me with opportunities to minister to people through one of my absolute favorite hobbies.
For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
Ephesians 2:8-10
