There are so many things about this trip that are so not like me. When I read about The World Race or talk about it, the word “adventure” always comes up. It is part of ADVENTURES in Missions, after all.
Since I was young, I was always the least adventerous person I know. On the playground, I stuck with the swings, nothing fancy, just swinging back and forth. No jungle gym for me. No flips. No mischief. No breaking the rules.
As an adult, I’m all about sticking with what’s safe. Go to any given restaurant, for example, and my friends can order for me since I tend to stick to the same thing. My thinking: why try something new, if what you’ve had before is good? You don’t have to risk having a bad meal.
When I talk with some of my teammates, they are all about the adventure part of the trip. The bungee jumping. The trying new things aspect of it. The living out of a backpack for a year part. When I think about those things, my hands start getting clammy.
Then there’s the talk about community. As a total introvert, I get my energy from my alone time. Now I’m going to be living in quite possibly the closest community I will ever live in.
But then, something like what happened this past week happens and I realize, “Marissa, you’re right. This trip is so not you. This trip is God’s thing.”
On Tuesday, I had the opportunity to speak at my church’s Ladies Connection prayer group. The women of Fiesta Fellowship in San Antonio meet monthly to pray for each other, and someone also gets the chance to share her testimony. They invited me to share more about The World Race, but I knew that in order to share about the trip, I’d have to share my story and how God called me to this “so not me” life.
Again, speaking in front of people is not my strongest suit. I’ve been known to…well, throw up…before speaking in front of a large group of people. At work, I dreaded our weekly budget meeting because I’d have to share what I was writing about that week with the staff. It was a small staff and I knew them all well, but I still hated it and would get nervous.
Anyway, on the way up to the meeting, I started getting really nervous and freaking out. I had in my mind what I wanted to say, but knew that if I took anything that had been written out, it wouldn’t be or sound sincere. I was nervous about speaking in front of this group, but the fear went a little bit deeper than just my public speaking phobia. The fear came from having to share things so deeply personal that are at times just embarrassing.
See, I grew up always thinking that in front of “church people” I had to have it all together. Since I was the preacher’s kid, I thought I should know right from wrong (and ALWAYS do the right thing), I should have an unfaltering faith, I should never doubt, I should never have bad days, I should be strong enough to handle all of life’s little trials. So my fear was that I’d look into the crowd and into judgmental eyes. But God showed me otherwise.
This trip, and what leads up to it, is God’s time to show me many of my preconceived notions and ideas are wrong, and that He is so much bigger and greater than my fears or what I ever thought He was. He’s not this safe god. He’s the God that requires I share my hard times because He was there through it. And He calmed me of my nervousness just minutes into my talk by giving me a group of women who looked at me with love and understanding, not judgment or rejection as I had feared. And in showing me that, I can do the same for others who don’t have it together all the time. I can show love and understanding, instead of frustration and disappointment when someone who is supposed to know better doesn’t, and fails, just like I have so many times.
I think by looking into these eyes, and accepting these hugs and love afterward, God showed me what grace, mercy and love really are and by experiencing that, I go into the field a little more prepared.
