When I write I typically come to a nice little, wrapped-up-in-a-pretty-bow conclusion. A thought that leaves the reader with a sigh and a
nod of the head. An encouragement. A profound thought.
Life isn’t always that way.
It doesn’t always have nice little conclusions. It’s messy. Ugly. Painful. And a lot of the time, confusing.
It’s no secret that I miss home. I’ve missed it since the day my
plane landed in Georgia. So when the thought to move back home comes I
try to make conclusions of it. I need to fight through the homesickness.
I need to follow through on my commitment. I need to not let AIM down. I
need to not let my friends and supporters down. I need to finish this
out with a nice little thought and bow. And then I will be stronger. And
maybe God will love me a little bit more. More than he did when I was
messing up in San Antonio. After all, I left it all again for him.
And I left to join a group who loves him a whole lot. A group he
loves a whole lot. Maybe, just maybe some of the love he has for them
will rub off on me.
Within the last couple of months he’s lovingly told me how ridiculous
those thoughts of mine are. And he asked if maybe I was not only trying
to earn his love, but the love of others.
My answer is yes.
Through a series of rather personal, difficult and intimate events
he’s reminded me that I already have his love, and nothing–no
circumstance, good or bad–can change that.
And that my reason for coming here was to earn his love, not to bask in it.
He’s reminded me that a relationship based on earned love is no relationship at all.
This is the hardest blog I’ve written, mainly because I fear what
people will think of me. I’ll admit that I’m the first person to roll
her eyes when I read blogs of people not following through on their
commitments. The majority of disagreements and disappointments I’ve had
in life have come when someone does not follow through on what he or she
said they were going to do. I don’t like people who don’t follow
through on their commitments.
The irony is, I will become one of those people.
I’ve made the difficult decision to leave Adventures in Missions and
return home. It’s difficult because I am possibly letting people, including some
very close friends, down.
through with commitments made. It’s teaching me that it’s necessary to
have grace and understanding when circumstances are just flat out
confusing and you question whether you’re hearing God’s voice, your own
or someone else’s. It’s teaching me that sometimes things aren’t black and
white. I walk away not knowing whether this decision will let people
down, and it’s scary.
But I am certain that I’m not letting God down, and
it’s peaceful. And that’s truly what should matter to me. I’ve argued
with myself plenty, telling myself that I’m running away and that I’d be
the biggest hypocrite ever if I didn’t complete my commitment. But the
truth is that I’d be the biggest hypocrite ever if I continued on,
acting as if this is where I should be when every day I feel as though
it isn’t. I know the road ahead of me won’t be easy and know that it
will be yet another difficult transition.
I’m returning to the place where I struggled to see God’s love for
me. The place where I decided to find love in any and everything else.
The place where I spent some of the darkest, haziest and craziest days
of my life. But I have to trust that God’s view of me is the same there
as it is here and that nothing, no location or circumstance will ever
make his love grow or shrink.
I go home nervous about what I’ll do next, where I’ll live, what I’ll
drive, but confident that even though there’s no pretty little bow to
be found, the love of God always surrounds me. And there’s nothing I can
do to change that.
I want to thank all of my supporters. To this day you have
contributed more than $20,000 to help fund a vision that God has had for
not only my life, but the lives of others around the world. I’ve always
been amazed at your generosity and will always be grateful that you
were a part of this leg of my journey. I ask that you continue to
support me with your prayers.
I’m also grateful to my friends and family. The last four years of my
life have been an incredible roller coaster and they’ve never left my
side. I’m excited that they will have a healthier version of me, and
that I can finally try to return the love they’ve shown me since that
day in 2007 when my world seemingly came crashing down–not to earn
their love, but to show how much I love them.
And I’m so, so grateful to AIM and what it does. I really do believe
in what they do. I believe in it because I’ve experienced it. I’ll continue writing for them on a volunteer basis, something that I’m grateful for. AIM, its leadership and staff have
brought me far in my journey and I will always be grateful that God made
this group of people to change not only me, but an entire generation.
