I was at my desk a few minutes after I got back from lunch when my boss told me “Let’s go meet with Terry,” his boss’s boss. I knew what was coming. There was already an unofficial list of about 40 who had the same talk. As we walked back he whispered, “I’m so sorry.” I looked straight ahead and whispered back “It’s OK.” I sit down at the conference table, she has an envelope, a sheet of paper and what she tells me is a little fuzzy. All I really remember is “your position is one of the ones that has been eliminated.” One of 75, to be exact. She hands me the paper and tells me what I need to do next.
There’s not much to say when I’m asked if I have any questions. I was leaving in August anyway. “I just needed five more months,” is what has been running through my head during the past 24 hours. Five months. But those five months were months that I needed, I keep telling myself. Five months of preparation. Five months that I had to live in my own apartment. Five months to myself. Five months to figure out what to do with my stuff. Five months to figure out what to sell. Five months to round up what is most precious to me. Five months to save money. Five months.
It’s been a day since I, and 74 others, were told we were on the list of layoffs this time at the newspaper where I work. I’ve cried. I’ve not slept very much. I’m angry one minute, sad the next and then calm the next. I’m faking laughter. My friends, family, co-workers, teammates and prayer team have all been very supportive. Extremely. I couldn’t ask for better people to be around me. But it hasn’t been enough to get me out of this funk, or to have me cheerily say, “It’s OK, I’m going on The World Race!” And I feel like something is wrong with me for it.
Just the other day I was reading back in my journal to the day I was accepted to the Race. I laughed because I wrote “I wonder if now that I’ve been accepted all of my journal and blog entries will have to be cheery?” Today I answer my own question. I promise all of you that I want to be cheery. I trust in God. I know that in five months I will be starting the journey of a lifetime. That won’t change. I know that He has a much bigger plan than what I see now. I know that I have been through worse and have been fine, but this news is hard to accept. I have no plan. I have no idea what to do now. In all honesty, I’m flat out sad. It’s a feeling I can’t explain. It’s just a job, I know. It’s not who I am, I know. But I want answers. I want to vent. I want to know why me and him, but not him or her? I don’t know if it’s wrong to wonder these things, but it’s what I’m wondering. I don’t know if it’s wrong to have these emotions while still trying to hold on to this faith in God that I’ve very, very slowly built back up since I got the last big news that tore at my heart.
Is it possible to trust God, but at the same time be sad when he starts carrying out His plans on his timing and not yours?
