God wouldn’t allow it to go on any longer. He leaned
in, pressed hard, and asked the question… “Who are you? Do you even
know?”
in, pressed hard, and asked the question… “Who are you? Do you even
know?”
“Do you even know?” He quietly emphasized.
Then I asked. “Who am I?” as if it were an everyday question.
“Wait… WHO AM I???” I asked in desperation, almost with a sense of clarity.
I came to the realization that I had NO CLUE who I was. I was lying in bed and just began to cry. With Johnny there to listen, I started to hazardously bout off questions that, one after the other, questioned everything I ever (thought I) believed..
Who is God? Is my life really just to share my belief in Him? What do I believe? How do I share my beliefs if I don’t know what I believe? Who am I? What do I enjoy in life? Is my life one big lie? Who am I living for? Do I like who I am? What is my purpose? If I’m going to always be stuck in this battle between me, God and Satan, and its always so unclear, what is the point? Who is winning? What have I done with my life up until now? If I died today, or even soon, am I satisfied with who I am and what I’ve done? Why am I traveling around the world for a year? Why do I have to live with these other people? What am I doing here? Who am I?
The questions stirred a truth in me. One that was going to be really hard to face. But, I wasn’t giving up now. I was ready to hit reality head on…
My life was no longer my life. I had given it away. I gave it away to the cute boys at camp, I gave it away to the mean girls in high school. It went to all the Christians who were watching. My life was handed over at my job, like it was a ticket for entry. It went to my parents, my teachers, my friends and my husband. I gave it to The World Race and those involved.
Ever since I can remember, I lived my life for other people. People’s acceptance was the fuel of my life. If I didn’t fit the part, I’d find a way. My life wasn’t mine. After giving my life away to so many people, I had nothing to give to God.
I can’t even comprehend the patience He had all that time. But, I believe He decided that enough was enough. In His plan, now was the time. That, that day, yesterday, was going to be ‘the day.” It was in the few, short moments that I paused for reflection that God chose to rush in and take over.
Our team came together yesterday morning for breakfast. This was the morning after my breakdown in bed. We sat down to share Oreo pancakes together, a symbol of Acts 2, a way to live in community… something we had been talking about for weeks. It was the first time we came together to eat, pray and laugh together.
After we finished breakfast, there was a small pause and I quickly took advantage. Without hesitation, I opened up to everyone. I explained the night before. I shared my doubts. I cried over my inability to understand and I desperately sought after clarity. Our team was ready, they were mentally and spiritually equipped for this day. We had been talking about praying over each other for weeks and here we was our chance…
I was half broken. Sitting in the middle of the room with my team surrounding me. Their hands, one after the other, placed over my shoulders, head, and back. We sat for a moment and the Holy Spirit rushed in. As the team prayed over me, words of encouragement and visions of truth came forward. He continued to chip away the pieces. God spoke through each one of them, stripping away layer after layer; revealing my identity in Christ. My brothers and sisters held all faith and authority and spoke over my lifetime of lies as if Jesus himself stood in the room saying each and every word.
Brian heard in that moment, that it was my turn. God needed to hear my cries. The attention was turned over and I was given the floor. My heart pounded and I threw all defenses aside. I directed my attention at God. I cried and I begged Him for understanding. I begged for identity and admitted that I could no longer carry myself. “God, I can’t do this alone! You will have to carry me from here. I am at the end of my road and from here… it will have to be yours.” I left everything there. I gave up expectations. I let go of who I was in everyone else.
I was broken.
A wreckless abandonment.
My life was no longer mine, it was no longer theirs… It is His.
